Sunday, June 30, 2013

Horror Flick of the Week: Waxwork

As I'm sure you're all aware, anything crafted to look like a human being is creepy. Anything crafted to look like a human being that actually comes pretty close is really creepy. Anything crafted to look like a human being that comes to life and actually sucks you into another dimension, then effectively murders you and entraps your soul in a similar form...well, that one is great for a film plot.


Forgiving the quality of the trailer, the dvd and vhs are a little better. There are so many movies out there with wax museums as the main focus of the horror, but this is the only one I'm aware of where it's not just people being murdered and having their bodies hidden in the figures...it's people being sucked into the world's of the creatures, and turning into wax sculptures if they die there. It's a delicious piece of 80s camp I could watch a hundred times or more, and probably have, now that I think about it.

It starts with a man being murdered and robbed, to the tune of some classic swing, and from there the adventure begins. Mark, played by the amazingly awesome Zach Galligan, also known as the defeater of the gremlin army, having an intimate breakfast with his mother. Maybe it's just the length of the table and the obnoxious centerpiece talking, but I gather they aren't too close...



Then we meet Mark's ex-girlfriend, China, who to put it bluntly...is a bit promiscuous. She's chatting it up with the good girl Sarah, when suddenly...


This place appears out of nowhere, then-



OH GOD, IT'S DAVID WARNER! This isn't good...especially not when he invites them to come to his waxwork that night...

The low budget is a given, and there are very minor outdoor moments with some shaky camera-work...but only really if you're looking. My point being I'm not here to pick at the bad bits, only talk about the awesome ones. This movie...is the good side of 80s camp. The sequel is also pretty epic, too. In fact, I'd advise you to watch both. Seriously, they're absolutely amazing. Here, I'll throw in some extra pictures for you, just in case the point hasn't been driven home yet...







Saturday, June 29, 2013

The Myth and Mystique of Jack-O-Lanterns

Have you ever heard the tale of Stingy Jack? You probably have, even if you don't know it. There are a thousand different versions, though many of them don't go by the same name or have the same main character. The essence of his story is always the same: a man tricks the devil, the man makes a bargain, the man either goes back on the bargain or runs out of time, the man can't go to heaven or hell, then he's stuck here. The main facet of the story that makes Jack so interesting, is his lantern. Given nothing to light his way back from hell but a vegetable or tuber (turnip, radish, beet, potato, rutabaga...) of some kind stuffed with a coal, he became 'Jack O' Lantern'. This translates to 'Jack of the lantern', if the old englishe was too much for you.

Rumor: Best version of the Stingy Jack character ever
Rumor confirmed.


My sources tell me this was mainly an Irish story, and the Jack O' Lantern was brought over during the potato famine. Amongst food, and equality, and complete acceptance, they also found pumpkins. The turnips, radishes, beets, potatoes, and even our poor friend the rutabaga...they were all ditched in exchange for the magnificently large and easy to carve pumpkin. By the way, the bit about equality and complete acceptance was a lie, but the pumpkins were not.

Awwww, he thinks he's dead people.


Traditionally, Celts used to have large bonfires to keep the dead at bay on Sowan, the transitional day between Summer (life season) and Winter (death season), but luckily for us, it gradually turned into the Jack O' Lantern. I can't even imagine keeping a bonfire on my doorstep. Not to mention if the headless horseman had to tote a cart behind him with a giant fire in it...

From your love-able Disney company, subtly
traumatizing children since 1923.

I feel like I should give you a pumpkin pie recipe right now, but...maybe some other time.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Drive-in Trailers: Robots, Androids, and Computers...oh my!

Artificial intelligence. Sentience created by man, which may or may not become genuine. You've got your regular robots, your good robots *such as J5 and Robin Williams*, and you've got your downright EVIL robots. They're usually pretty damn strong, they have no remorse for man-kind, and they usually have some sort of vendetta against us for creating them. The following trailers are here to inform and protect you, should the inevitable Robocalypse occur...



Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Spooky Board Games: Ouija Board

Okay, I guess you were wondering when I'd get around to this one. I mean, what list of scary board games is complete without something marketed to children that clearly encourages them to contact the dead and other questionable entities, provided they exist and aren't moving it? The concept itself is pretty disturbing.

Of course, Parker Bros didn't invent the Ouija board. 'Modern Spiritualism' kinda did most of the work, and Parker Bros just slapped their brand name on it.



If you need me to explain the concept, here it is: you use a planchette (a small triangular piece of wood or cardboard, generally with a hole in the top) to receive messages from THE OTHER SIDE. You move it around on a cardboard (or wood) board with letters and numbers on it, sometimes even the words 'hello' and 'good-bye' scrolled at the upper left and right-hand corner. There's also a 'yes' and 'no' somewhere on there, just for those of us who are too impatient to let the word spell itself out.



I can't confirm whether it does or doesn't exist. There's questionable evidence on both sides. If you're in a group of people who really commit, and refuse to move the planchette, but just let it 'move', you may have some tedious fun. Usually, though, the case is that there's some joker in the group who either can't wait or wants to mess with everyone else by pushing it to their own answers.

The Ouija Board has been around so long, and been so popular throughout the years, that there are a thousand different incarnations, whether Parker Brothers or not. They range from the cheap and tacky to the incredibly ornate and gorgeous, as well as everything in-between. My personal favorite is a miniature one that came with my precious dvd 'Witchboard'. Heck, you can even use the cover itself.



I don't advise playing with this game if you aren't prepared for something to happen, or if you're so prepared that you've got satanic symbols scrawled on your wall with the black mass being perpetually looped on your computer...y'know...just in case something does happen. Winky face, grin. I do not use emoticons, so you'll just have to accept the verbal description of my facial expressions.


R.I.P Richard Matheson

I may have been a little slow on this one, but I just found out Richard Matheson passed away. He was a wonderful author, and in fact wrote a lot of major stories we all know and love. Of all the modern writers I've been familiar with, I feel Matheson managed to be the most influential without a lot of people even knowing. He had a way of writing that really managed to bring out the emotions and humanity of characters, no matter the subject. His works had heart, which is something I don't believe truly great horror can ever be without.


When I was a kid, and I consumed books like fire tearing through a dry thicket, I discovered a very small entry in an encyclopedia of horror stories. It referenced a tale I would spend a fair amount of years trying to find, as the only evidence of it even existing was in out-of-print magazines and a practically impossible to find book called 'Nighttouch'. Just this past year, though, I picked up a book from a garage sale, and discovered this same story I'd been looking for, completely by surprise when I was browsing through the pages later. The story is called 'Drink My Blood', also called 'Blood Son', and it was written in 1951. Though the story wasn't my favorite Matheson work, it did motivate me to read and see his other works, and truly appreciate him for the artist he was. For those of you interested in reading this story, I found it in a horror anthology called 'Vampires: Two Centuries of Great Vampire Stories', edited by Alan Ryan.

Here's a very short video I found on youtube of Richard discussing how he wants to be remembered. I think he got his wish. R.I.P. Mister Matheson. I, for one, will never forget you.


Horror Flick of the Week: Evil Dead

As a sort of belated reference to Bruce Campbell's recent birthday this past week, I think I'm going to suggest one of my favorite films, a piece no true horror fan can go without seeing, and also a movie that got a fairly good remake this past year. Evil Dead. The stage musical is also awesome, and worth seeing a thousand times.

There are so many arguments out there about this movie, whether it's horror or comedy, and I feel the need to set this record straight. Part 2 is a comedy. Army of Darkness is a comedy. Evil Dead...is not a comedy. This is Sam Raimi cutting his teeth way before he got into the big leagues. A fun fact I'd like to mention is that Sam, Bruce, and Ted (Sam's brother, also known as Joxer the mighty) had actually done a lot of movie projects together in high school on Super-8 film. This isn't really relevant, but I'm a fan girl, therefore I sometimes say irrelevant things. Or maybe that's just my ADHD...

Anyway, it begins with a group of friends driving out to a cabin in the woods, with something...moving through the woods. Too fast to be an animal, and it's basically floating over the water. Luckily, everyone has the joy of singing in the car to protect them. Also somewhat reckless driving...

After nearly crashing into a truck, we discover early on that the driver of the car, Scott, is an asshole. This isn't too important, I just wanted to let everyone know Scott's a dick.

You know what, Scott? You're just like freaking Larry!

I suppose I should mention Ash at this point. Everybody loves Ash. He's got so much charisma and personality, right? Wrong. In the beginning, he's hollow and empty, like that pathetic feeling you have once you've finished a pint of ice cream, when you promised you'd never touch the demon milk again. Demon milk...maybe I should have used a different term...

When everybody arrives at the cabin, we discover a shocking fact: this empty, abandoned house in the middle of the woods...is creepy. The first person to grasp just how creepy is Ash's sister, Cheryll, when an innocent sketching hour turns into a DEATHLY SKETCHING...HOUR!



The cellar door-thing goes crazy, and then everyone sits down to eat. She doesn't bring up her terrible paper genocide, which leads me to assume she is an idiot. Just then, that door-thing I mentioned bursts open. When Cheryll suggests that it might have been an idiot, Scott the dick chimes in that it's a stupid idea. I mean, it's not like large rodents knock crap over and destroy property all the time or anything. This was obviously done by the wind. Damn that wind!

This isn't relevant, it's just an obligatory picture of Ash.
After some general snooping, Scott and Ash find your average, every-day, run-of-the mill skull dagger and Necronomicon.


Scott makes a wise-ass crack, and Ash laughs at his cleverness, likely biting out the bitter hatred he's developed towards Scott over the years. A tape player is also discovered, and we discover the story of a doctor, the book, and a demon summoning. Part of it, anyway, before Cheryll goes nuts and runs out. Eventually she ends up in the woods, and let's just say...she gets raped by trees. Say it with a sexy intonation in your voice though, as if it's some sort of indirect reference. There's no other way to imply someone's been raped by trees than actually literally coming out with it.


At this point, it's safe to say a good bit of hell has 'broken loose'. I suspect some of it is also stuck, but we'll leave that for another day...

Cheryll is the first victim. From here on out, if you don't see what happens to a character, but they come back with torn clothes...it's safe to assume...yeah. There's not much in the ways of great acting her. There's a lot to say for some great camera work on a low budget, though. It's also a pretty great story, if you haven't been tired out by all of the references to this concept. By all means, I feel it deserves it's spot as a cult classic, and a classic in general. If tree rape didn't grab your attention though, maybe this isn't the movie for you. Look for something tamer, like the edited-for-tv version of Hellraiser, or maybe just an hour-long test pattern. I don't know, you'll think of something. However, if you ARE intrigued by the tree rape, or the fact that this is just an epic movie in all, definitely check it out. Try to get as many unsuspecting victims...I mean friends...to watch it with you, too.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Drive-in Trailers: Evil Houses and Homes

Let's be honest here, you have nothing to fear from vampires, zombies, werewolves, giant animals, creatures from questionable places, or even mother-in-laws...if you have an evil house. All of these things may make it difficult to sleep at night, but an evil house makes it downright impossible. Here are some trailers to illustrate my point...


Personally, I think I could still manage living in these sorts of places, provided I had a night light...

Monday, June 17, 2013

Top 10 Creepy Movie and Television Show Intros

Whether it's the weekly television series that kept you snuggling your teddy bear as a kid for dear life, or a disturbing animation at the beginning of a bad-ass horror flick, a good intro can make for a wonderful beginning to start off the creepy vibes. Let us all now take a trip down memory lane, and watch the 'Top 10 Creepy Intros'...of all time.

Advisory: These intros are best watched in the dark, with plenty of space, completely alone, two feet away from the television set. Bonus points if your house is haunted.

1. Tales From the Dark Side


So it's not your average kind of creepy. It's got more of a 'Little House on the Prairie' vibe, provided pa is about to snap and paint the walls red with his own blood, whilst chanting a sweet song as he occasionally passes glances at his family whom he systematically killed and preserved so they would always remain forever un-corrupted by an ever-changing world. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but wouldn't that make a great episode?



2. The Outer Limits


This one is clever. I can honestly say on a few occasions as a kid, when we had good old-fashioned analog television sets, it was great fun to show this to friends for the first time and watch them freak the hell out.



3. Masters of Horror


It seems like a lot of shows, especially on HBO and Showtime, were starting to get really edgy around the time Masters of Horror came out. What starts out as possibly a bad-looking nosebleed, turns into a torrent of blood...and I say that's a good way to start two things: shows and meals. I especially like how simple this intro is, with the few transitions between a man holding an ax and a skull, an eyeball...


4. True Blood


In the interest of being somewhat up-to-date, I'd like to point out that any time children are eating something raw or bloody in a show, you need to be scared. Granted, this is a vampire show, but still. I'm sure we're all aware of the power of the creepy factor with children in movies and shows, not to mention rednecks, religious seizures, police brutality, creepy rednecks, animal skulls, and naked women. All of these things creep me out. Okay, maybe not animal skulls, but you get my point here.


5. Goosebumps


Though I'd desperately love to see an interview with R. L. Stine in-person, I hope he doesn't carry a briefcase with him. Even billboards get freaked out, and that's saying something.


6. The Twilight Zone


This classic intro gives the whole show a perfect feel. It suits the stories, and it suits the theme. Every time I see this, I know in my heart-of-hearts that every time I step through a door...I'd better hope it isn't the one leading here. Once you go through there, you don't come back out.



7. A Nightmare on Elm Street


God, everything about this intro is perfect. It really stood the test of time, and what's more, it launched one of my favorite horror franchises. It honestly makes me want to just turn my laptop off and watch the whole movie all over again (for the thousandth time). Say what you will about Freddy Kreuger in any of his incarnations, a majority of the openings to his films always bring their A-game.


8. Are You Afraid of the Dark


As an adult, you can sometimes forget how terrifying the world really is to a kid. You forget how terrifying the world still is, actually. Nothing changes, despite your age, and this intro stands as a chilling reminder. Even though a majority of the episodes may not have been mind-blowing (given that most kids aren't expert actors), this intro was always a pretty spooky treat.



9. House on Haunted Hill


Say what you will about my parents and their odd choices of films to take me to as a kid, this one I do not regret one iota. The opening is fantastic, and thankfully the rest of the movie is too. It sets a mood that promises either something absolutely amazing, or incredibly disappointing...you'd think nothing could live up to such an awesome title sequence. Thank god it did. In fact, this intro is so fantastic, I'm pretty sure just showing it to someone who'd never seen the film, would be easily convinced to watch the whole thing.


10. Tales From the Crypt


I don't think I need to explain why a gigantic cartoony and scary-looking mansion would grab anyone's attention. It is genius, though, how you're led by the camera through the door, the hallway, down the stairs, into a corridor, to a strange-looking desk, then right past a coffin-gAHH!!! Damn it, he gets me every time...


So there you have it, the top ten creepiest intros/title sequences. There are plenty others, of course, but these serve as a nice illustration that the key to good horror is a good hook. Maybe even one that doesn't get lodged in your back.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Spooky Board Games: Zombie Fluxx

You know, sometimes, old maid just doesn't cut the deck. Go fish rarely has enough bite to it. Poker never involves a red-hot fireplace instrument. Fluxx, however, can pretty go in just about any direction you want it to. There's a game for Star Trek enthusiasts, Hippies, Monty Python, Cthulhu (may he waken soon, Iah! Iah! Cthulhu fhtagn.) There's a Fluxx for everyone...even...



Zombies? That's right. Flesh-eating monsters stalking the world in re-animated corpses, primarily feasting on brains and the occasional intestine, the most love-able creatures on earth have got their own Fluxx game.

For those of you innocents who have not gotten the chance to enjoy a good round of Fluxx, this one is absolutely fantastic to start with. The basic rules are 'draw a card, play a card'. From there, you can play a goal, which gives everyone an idea of how they can win the game. The goal can be changed. You can play weapons/keepers, zombies/creepers have to be on the table when you get them, and you can even play rule cards. It can get pretty wild when you've got a 'draw 5, play all' card, or when the son of a bitch sitting next to you decides to change the goal right when you're about to win...but the worst card of all, the one card that can turn a five minute game into a five hour game when you're not careful...is Larry. When anyone changes the goal, he shifts clockwise. And so the pain usually begins.


Screw you, Larry!
This game taught me the meaning of expensive card decks, it also taught me the meaning of friendship, and now I truly understand what jerks my friends are. But hey, it's pretty fun! If you want to learn more about the wonderful world of fluxx, check out http://www.looneylabs.com for their whole line of cards. I've got my eyes on 'Are You a Werewolf' at the moment, but I'll probably never go to a party without this one.

Friday, June 14, 2013

Drive-in Trailers: Creepy Cats

Dogs are generally a man's best friend in a lot of stories, unless they've got rabies. Cats, however, don't always come out as the 'good guys'. In fact, more often than not, they're downright evil. If they're not, they seem to be very good at driving people insane. I mean, just look at these trailers...



Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Horror Flick of the Week: Angel of the Night (1998)

I'd like to start this off with a very special 'thank you' to gohastings.com, for always having the most random movies at ridiculously cheap prices. This is not an advertisement, I'm not telling you to buy anything there, because it really is all random. They have a bunch of previously-viewed dvd's come in and out of sale, and they cost anywhere from less than a buck to about ten, which isn't a bad deal if you know what you're buying, and it still pretty awesome even if you don't know. Compiling a list of cheapies, I did not know, nor did I do any research on this movie, because I'm a thrill-seeker. Anyway, onto the review.

This started off as a student picture, apparently, but the short film did so well that the director was able to expand it into a feature-length film. It cost about $700,000 in all. Cast and crew could not all be paid upfront, but the picture managed to pull through. It's kind of an inspiration, in a way, thinking of all the younger people involved making this into an actual movie, when a majority of them seemed to have major schedule conflicts, and an awful lot of this was filmed after midnight. Maybe a few other independent filmmakers need to take a page from this book, and use vampires more often?

Rebecca is a young woman who's gone back to her family home, after having inherited it. She brings along with her an ancient tome with really big writing on the front, and a 3d-picture. That's how you can tell it's ancient and fancy, by the way.


She's brought along some friends with her, and decides to tell them the story in her book of a young priest named Richard who was forced to do battle with a 'vampire' to protect his family and town. Unfortunately, he kills the thing, but gets nipped in the process. I use the word 'vampire' loosely, because the monster actually resembles more of a werewolf-monkey, but I digress. Here are some pretty pictures to illustrate the story.







He is then transformed into 'RICO MORTIZ, CREATURE OF THE NIGHT!' I think that's how vampires work, right? You grow long hair and change ethnicity? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's the thing. 


Back to the present, Rebecca reveals that Richard was actually her great grandfather, thus effectively killing everyone's buzz. She proceeds to mention there are family secrets in the cellar, and everyone decides to do the smart thing. They go check out the cellar. There they find the world's fanciest lawn ornament, the very stake Richard used to slay the vampire.



Rebecca tells yet another story, and I'll admit I was starting to get scared this would be one long narrative summary. But then there's a throwdown with guns, stakes, crosses, and fangs...which I'm always a sucker for. That brings me to one major point, the fangs are just fantastic in this movie. So often, I find I can't get into a vampire movie unless the teeth look real and sharp. As you can see in Rico's shot above, they're beautiful.

In less than twenty minutes, this second story is rattled off, yet somehow makes me fall in love with a character who dies in an even shorter time. Also, hippie Billy Idol vampire. Hippie and Billy Idol...two terms I never thought I'd use in the same sentence. Well-played, mister director. Well-played.


Anyway, though I'd like to repeat I HATE when movies are filled with narrative bits (you know, like someone was written in to explain chunks of the movie, because they either ran out of money, or couldn't write a script with a coherent line of events), buuuuut...this one kind of wins me over. Probably because the fights really are awesome. This is even stranger, because I also don't usually like fight scenes either.

Rebecca does manage to finish talking, finally, and then (wouldn't you know it) it turns out Rico's coffin is in that very cellar. A freak accident occurs, and Rebecca gets a small cut...the blood drips into the coffin, boom. Instant return of Rico. Kind of. Eventually. It's a little bit more complicated, with some accidental incantations, and lots of chit-chat. Another story, too. In the process of the story, Rico is vampire Richard, I guess? I suspect it's because Richard is hella more attractive. Even with fangs.


...Kind of.


You get the drift, though.

There's nothing really original here. Absolutely nothing. You can probably guess how it's going to go, once the bad guy returns, and all hell breaks loose. Even so, it's a fun ride. The pacing is pretty good, and there are certainly less draggy moments than you'd expect from a small picture. Long story short, it's fun, and it knows it's fun. Maybe I wouldn't pay for a Criterion edition (should there ever somehow be one), but I'd definitely recommend at least watching this once, if you feel like you've already seen every other vampire movie on the planet, or need to wash the bad taste of Twilight out of your mouth. Then again, you should have known better, and only have yourself to blame for that one.


Monday, June 10, 2013

Drive-In Trailers: Teen Monsters

We all know puberty is a terrifying time, both for the victims and their acquaintances, but it is a living horror everyone must face on the path to adult-hood. The following trailers are here to remind you just how grim and ghastly TEENAGERS REALLY ARE.











Sunday, June 9, 2013

A Short Video: Aunt Marge's Basement/The 2 AM Special

Last night, I finally managed to upload another one of the videos I've worked on. This is a project I wrote and co-directed, as well as filmed, co-edited, supplied the camera and apartment for...actually, I supplied the apartment for the last one too. Anyway, it's a public broadcast-style special with an unusual guest.


Campy Nightmares: 5 Horror Flicks To Hurt Your Brain

Sometimes, I find myself watching a movie and well aware before I even pop it into the vcr/dvd player/open it on vlc/etc. that I am about to watch something which may very well consume my immortal soul. I could actually make a top '100' list of all these many narrow escapes from ultimate self-destruction, but I decided to let my brain recover from a recent one, and just stop at five for now. So without further ado, leading from mildly 'well, there goes my comprehension of logic and reality' to 'I'm officially insane', I give you 5 HORROR FLICKS TO HURT YOUR BRAIN


5. Teenage Caveman (2002)

This is one of those movies you may stumble upon late at night, if you happen to be lucky (or unlucky) enough to have access to HBO, insomnia, and a desire to enjoy some good old-fashioned 'teen' porn without the legal consequences that may come with it. To this day, I have no idea what the director was trying to accomplish here, and I often ponder whether I should dare tread the path again to watch this...just once more...then I remember there was only one worthwhile scene, where the bad guy (Neil) dances into the room screaming at our half-dressed protagonists, and it's already on youtube. Without further ado, I present it to you now, to save you the trouble of watching the rest.




4. Terror Vision (1986)

Despite the fact that this is...a bad movie...it's not bad. Let me rephrase that. This one defines camp, (deliberately exaggerated and theatrical in style, typically for humorous effect). So why is it even listed here? Well, it's vaguely like a movie for adults, then somewhat like a movie for kids as well, but it never really defines the actual side of the fence it wants to be on...unless you count the weird bedroom scene with all of the creature heads, but nothing is outright said about sexing there, so I think it's safe to assume it could be one of the adult jokes they always slip into a children's movie just so parents don't shoot themselves from boredom. Even with the fact that it looks like an 80s romp for the kiddies, the monster is just too scary. By an 8-year-old's standards, anyway. Maybe I'm just biased, from a distant memory of running out of the room crying because I couldn't handle the man-eating slime monster, and huddling under my bed until I knew the movie was over. Still, I think this has a well-deserved spot on my list, though it may be a bit more entertaining than the rest. Here's a trailer to give you a general idea of what the heck I mean.




3. Jack Frost (1996)

I know this may sound crazy, but given the choice between this...Christmas classic...and Child's Play, I'd pick the other one for a nursery school movie any time. Quality does come into play, based on budget, but so does actual content. There's so much damn cussing from this foul-mouthed snowman, and a bag of puns  than Freddy Kreuger on a bender. I'm not knocking the blade-man, so don't get too mad at me. I suppose the ultimate brain scorcher for me, though, would have to be the fact that it took everyone over an hour to figure out antifreeze might be a viable option for battling a block of talking ice...be warned, this movie does not feature a love-able Micheal Keaton. Not by mile-long icicle.




2. Teenage Space Vampires (1999)

I refuse to turn this into a list attacking the low budget field of cinema, nor even the poor-writing field, the bad directing field, crappy SFX field, and the terrible acting field. HOWEVER, this one kind of falls into every single one of those areas. There's only one memorable moment, the rest left me thinking to myself 'how can they be vampires, if they look like aliens? I think this movie is putting too much emphasis on the space part.' It honestly felt like one of those concepts translated to a language, and then back to the original, then maybe to a third for good measure, until nobody really knew what the monster was...so they just kinda went with it. Anyway, here's a pretty good example of one of the better moments in the movie. That's saying something, since it's not really much of a moment.





1. Ghost Fever (1987)

I feel sorry for this final one. Sherman Hemsley practically funneled a majority of his money into it, and you can really kind of almost somewhat not really see the potential here. Two ghosts try to keep the slave-owner father of one of them from leaving his grave, then the descendant of the other comes to the house they used to live in to throw two old women out, the two old women turn out to be beautiful and young, they've got a psychic...there's a dancing mummy ghost getting served by George Jefferson...Dracula...Rape machine, zombie surgery, boxing match, death, champagne and thunderstorm...I don't really know where I was going this. It feels more like a combination of as many terms as possible on a youtube video description, just to boost page views. Maybe that's what they were going for in the movie, too? I wish I could say this was another weird movie that charmed me to death in it's own poor existence, but Hemsley went bankrupt as a result of this ham. The director was so ashamed, he even took the 'Allen Smithee' name for it...which is a title usually only employed when nobody wants to acknowledge a picture as their own. I honestly hope some day this movie gets the attention 'The Room' and 'Troll 2' got, and audiences from miles around flock to worship it for the train wreck it turned out to be. It's on youtube in it's entirety, by the way, though Netflix completely dumped it. I wonder why?