Horror Flick of the Week: Love Bites (1993)

When I was about 4, I had a small blue trunk. I would prop the trunk up in my room and climb inside it, pretending I was a vampire. I’d spend several minutes inside preparing myself to rise from the dead in a proper fashion, but I could never do it just right. Being about a foot taller than the trunk didn’t help. I don’t remember when I stopped doing this, but I’m sure I kept playing the vampire trunk game well until climbing inside the ‘coffin’ made breathing difficult.

But what does this trip down memory lane have to do with this movie? Hardly anything at all, but I was doing just this on the day I first saw Love Bites on the Sci-fi channel. No…not Syfy. This was when it happened to be a legitimate station worth watching. I curse the day someone decided it should be commonplace to take vampires out of their coffins, because I don’t think anything is so satisfying as seeing a vampire ‘rise properly’ (from the coffin, you pervert.)

Adam Ant is not the world’s greatest actor, but he makes up for any lack of talent onscreen with charm and an awesome singing voice. He doesn’t sing in this movie though, so the charm is a double serving. The result is a pretty fun horror rom-com.

Before we proceed, I'd like to say this movie is easy to find. It's not. I spent an embarrassing amount of money on a vhs copy about 6 years ago, and I still don't tell people how much I paid for it. If you see a copy for less than 20 bucks, buy it immediately. I may or may not have found a streaming version available on photobucket, too, if you're really interested in watching this.

Basically the story is about a vampire who over-sleeps, finds out his place has been not only renovated severely but that it's rented out to a young woman with basic karate defense skills, and decides he wants to be human again to experience all the futuristic wonders of the early 90s. This is where it actually gets pretty unique, because in this world, vampires can become human again if they reset their digestive systems by eating real food and getting themselves on a regular night-time sleeping schedule.

For me, Love Bites is a Halloween tradition. I just have to watch it every October, or I haven't done it right. Hopefully it can become your tradition too, if you manage to find it.

The Chamber of the Obscure: Vampire Movies

There are so very many vampire movies out there, and so very many good ones that people don't seem to be too familiar with. My favorite ones tend to be the flicks time has forgotten or nobody ever seems to watch. I figured these little treats were worth mentioning to those of us who just haven't found the fanged flick with the right bite to it yet. 

1. Love Bites (1993)

For a man who can't stand cleaning, his lacy sleeves sure are white.

Years ago, I got really tired of hunting for copies of this one. So when I finally stumbled on a copy on Ebay, I paid a ridiculously high price for it. Luckily for the lot of you, and not my checkbook, only a few years later it became available on all sorts of sites, including iTunes. It's not scary by a long shot. It's not a big budget picture. The acting isn't even that great. The Adam Ant fan girl in me rebels against the idea, but it's true. HOWEVER, god this is a cute one. A vampire wakes up after about a hundred years of sleeping due to a bad break-up, meets the girl living in his house, and decides he doesn't want to be a vampire anymore. Why? I guess because now that cars can talk, and divorced women are everywhere, he's decided he's found the perfect era to grow old and die in. This screams early 90s, and it used to play on the Scifi channel every Halloween. Sadly, that particular station has turned to crap...but at least the Apple store can help you enjoy it on your phone.

2. Vampires Anonymous (2003)

Just a nip...one tiny bite...

This came on  HBO a few times awhile back, and I never managed to catch the whole thing until I bought the dvd. Now I'll admit, the monsters going to self-help meetings has been a bit over-played as of late. Especially zombies. Thankfully, they manage to make this less about people confessing their morbid habits in a circle, and more about the actual steps to recovery. Vic the vampire attempts to tackle a 12 Step Program in a ten-sheep town, falls in love with a girl, and ska music pursues him throughout his whole journey. Oh, cops too, but they're really just a side story.

3. A Polish Vampire in Burbank (1985)

After this was filmed, both actors above went on to become two of the world's greatest underwear models.

Man, the back-story behind this movie is almost more entertaining than the story itself. It's a movie that started with one actor as the lead, had some union issues, and then had to be completely re-written, with the original lead completely recast and re-written. Apprently it was the first 'Super 8 film to be distributed in video stores and on cable television'. The budget was around 2500. The main character is a vampire with small fangs who has to start bringing home his own blood, or he's out. I won't preach that this is a cinematic masterpiece, but it's incredibly fun to watch. Plus...talking skeletons. If you buy a copy though, please try to get it at www.pirromount.com. 

4. Nightlife (1989)

Time to clean house. Violently/Spiritually!

Another movie of the exact same name came out this year, but it's about zombies. This one is about vampires. If you find a copy, make sure it's got Ben Cross and Keith Szarabajka, or you've got the wrong one. The difference between this flick and the others on the list, is that the main character is female. Not only is she female, but she's pretty good at taking care of herself. Granted, not nearly as good as her ass-kicking Mexican housemaid, who, I'd like to point out, is the greatest vampire hunter I've seen in cinematic history. The acting from the cast is a little better in this one than the other movies on the list, but it was made for tv. If you saw Ben Cross as Barnabas, and wanted more of him in his fanged glory, definitely look for this movie to add to your collection.

5. Vampires in Havana (1985)

Fangs? Check. Claws? Check. Blue tongue? ...What?

Thank god for Netflix. If not, I might have put this one off much longer than it deserves. Just about the easiest movie to find on this list, it's in the rare category of 'awesome adult cartoon'. Awesome because it's not just about boobs, which it actually still has a lot of, but it's also about music. History. Culture. Vampires. Mad scientists. Revolution. Everything you'd want in a good Cuban film. Basically, you've got your vampire doctor trying to find a formula that enables vampires to go out in the sun, and he's been using it on his nephew for years just to make sure it was safe. Any good uncle would do the same. A bunch of gangster vampires find out, and decide to steal the formula so they can market it. What else could you ask for?

Individually, these movies are all amazing, but together, they make for a pretty epic marathon. If you can get your hands on them, try to watch all of these movies in one night. But don't forget the pizza and the garlic bread.