Coffin Box Teaser

Our upcoming episode features Corey's horror pack and coffin box! Just a teaser before the episode, here's a few pictures of what he got.

Horror Flick of the Week: Love Bites (1993)

When I was about 4, I had a small blue trunk. I would prop the trunk up in my room and climb inside it, pretending I was a vampire. I’d spend several minutes inside preparing myself to rise from the dead in a proper fashion, but I could never do it just right. Being about a foot taller than the trunk didn’t help. I don’t remember when I stopped doing this, but I’m sure I kept playing the vampire trunk game well until climbing inside the ‘coffin’ made breathing difficult.

But what does this trip down memory lane have to do with this movie? Hardly anything at all, but I was doing just this on the day I first saw Love Bites on the Sci-fi channel. No…not Syfy. This was when it happened to be a legitimate station worth watching. I curse the day someone decided it should be commonplace to take vampires out of their coffins, because I don’t think anything is so satisfying as seeing a vampire ‘rise properly’ (from the coffin, you pervert.)

Adam Ant is not the world’s greatest actor, but he makes up for any lack of talent onscreen with charm and an awesome singing voice. He doesn’t sing in this movie though, so the charm is a double serving. The result is a pretty fun horror rom-com.

Before we proceed, I'd like to say this movie is easy to find. It's not. I spent an embarrassing amount of money on a vhs copy about 6 years ago, and I still don't tell people how much I paid for it. If you see a copy for less than 20 bucks, buy it immediately. I may or may not have found a streaming version available on photobucket, too, if you're really interested in watching this.

Basically the story is about a vampire who over-sleeps, finds out his place has been not only renovated severely but that it's rented out to a young woman with basic karate defense skills, and decides he wants to be human again to experience all the futuristic wonders of the early 90s. This is where it actually gets pretty unique, because in this world, vampires can become human again if they reset their digestive systems by eating real food and getting themselves on a regular night-time sleeping schedule.

For me, Love Bites is a Halloween tradition. I just have to watch it every October, or I haven't done it right. Hopefully it can become your tradition too, if you manage to find it.

A Tribute to Coffin Joe

For America, it was Bela Lugosi. For Spain, it was Paul Naschy. For Brazil, it was José Mojica Marins. These were horror icons that built a dozen sequels, whether they were in the films or not. You’ll of course know who Bela was, as often as his face is plastered everywhere when Halloween rolls around. If you’ve ever seen clips or illustrations from the 60s of wolf men, you were probably looking at Paul Naschy in all his hairy glory. But what of José Mojica Marins? The man's absolutely amazing. He'd already been involved with 80 films by the time he was 18!

...I think I'm going to be sick...

Coffin Joe: He’s a sadistic murderer with long nails and a top hat, a terrifyingly thick mono-brow, as well as mind-numbing monologues about his search for the perfect woman to bear his seed. You may also know him by another name, Zé do Caixão. Every time I see a really long translation of a Spanish or Brazillian, or even Italian title…this man springs to mind. ‘At Midnight I’ll Take Your Soul’, and ‘This Night I’ll Possess Your Corpse’ are his most infamous films.

Most of his films were low budget, and they’re indescribable. Imagine a sort of zombie trip through both a world that is real and unreal, then being punched in the face by a sudden explosion of color, and finally you’re shaken awake (quite rudely) for an epic climax. If that description was confusing, don’t worry. That’s just ‘This Night I’ll Possess Your Corpse, my personal favorite.

They’re films that you can hate and love at the same time. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt that strongly for any non-Coffin Joe films.

José has a personality in his role that drives you to press on through the evils of Coffin Joe, rooting for him and yet wanting him to get caught at the same time. When he dies or gets punished in the end, there’s always a secret the audience realizes: he’s going to come back, and when he does…he’ll be bigger, badder, and even more long-winded.

Personal grooming and sadism aside, he's got a great personality.

Don’t let the length of the films intimidate you. His trilogy in particular is an experience every horror fan needs to have at least once in his or her life. Do it one go, though, or you may not have the strength to try again…oh, and just for good measure, this awesome skit by Ray Castile sums Coffin Joe up perfectly. You should probably check this guy out on youtube.