Book of the Week: Monster, by A. Lee Martinez

I have read so many of this man's books. For me, his humorous balance in his story is on par with another favorite author of mine, R. Chetwynd-Hayes. I've already recommended one book by A. Lee Martinez in the past, Gil's All Fright Diner, but honestly? I love this one even more. There was a period of time a few years ago where I was pretty much reading at least one of these books a week, and Monster is one of the best.

The story plays with a concept I rarely see done as well as it should be. There are monsters everywhere, and normal people don't know about them. This one adds your typical Martinez guts and gore along with a succubus here and maybe a yeti destroying a grocery store there. A gland in people's brains that lets them see monsters for what they are, and a sort of supernatural police force doing what they can to at least keep things somewhat normal.

What I love about A. Lee Martinez, is that his protagonists are both very normal and very special in so many creative ways. This book was no exception to the rule, and it is very easily a 3-day read if you put your mind to it. Or don't. Just grab a glass of wine (or coffee) and enjoy.

Book(s) Of the Week: Monster Road

Back in the 90s, I was wild for books. I still am, but the point here is that I devoured every book fair that came to school. Especially when it came to book lights and horror stories. Monster Road was one of my favorites. Perhaps it was the cover that drew me to it, or the fact that I'd run out of Goosebumps books, but this one was pretty easy to miss tucked back at the bottom 'L' shelf.

Written by David Lubar, Monster Road tells the story of Kevin taking a road trip with his eccentric scientist Uncle. Eccentric and wildly naive, every single monster Kevin's uncle meets on the trip strikes him as something absolutely mundane and non-supernatural in any way. What's more, he seems to come up with a solution for most of their problems in the process.

My old copy I had of Monster Road sadly fell to pieces, but that's the sign of a well-loved book. At least for a kid. Monster Road is a great little story to read with your kid, or to just let them read on their own, lying in the somewhat sketchy area of 2nd grade - 4th grade reading level.

Halloween Commercials

You know what I used to love about October? All of the awesome Halloween commercials. Just a dash of plastic fangs and a sprinkle of green make-up could make a product that much more appealing in October. Here's to the television spots that reminded us all about Halloween's impending approach...

Drive-in Trailers: Creepy Crawlers (Part 1)

"Don't you ever laugh as the hearse goes by,

For you may be the next one to die.

They wrap you up in a big white sheet

From your head down to your feet.

They put you in a big black box

And cover you up with dirt and rocks.

All goes well for about a week,

Until your coffin begins to leak.

The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out,

The worms play pinochle on your scalp,

They eat your eyes, they eat your nose,

They eat the jelly between your toes.

A big green worm with rolling eyes

Crawls in your stomach and out your sides.

Your stomach turns a slimy green,

And pus pours out like whipping cream.

You'll spread it on a slice of bread,

And this is what you eat when you are dead." 

That song...for me as an impressionable child...freaked me out. It wasn't the actual part about rotting, or leaking coffins, or dying....it was the worms. The bugs. I don't have an innate fear of insects and their ilk, but I can't help but get a little bit of a shiver when I think about being swarmed by/filled with creepy crawlies. So, in honor of their post as really freaking horrible little monsters...the trailers presented today are all about bugs and arachnids. ENJOY....

I really had no idea there were SO MANY of these movies, it's a very expansive genre. So I decided to stop here for now, or risk getting into the triple digits territory. There will be another one some time in the future though, so keep an eye out...and some bug spray handy.

Vintage Comics - Adventures Into Darkness, Issue 5: Murder Mansion & Drury's Dream (Pg Cover - PG. 9)

We venture into yet another vintage comic series this week, Adventures Into Darkness. This one was from the end of the 'golden age of comics', and the company who did this little series was mostly known for pulp stories, which...honestly is pretty obvious from page 1. There's something with pulp detective stories, kind of like a common trope, where you always have to have at least one visible garish statue within the first five minutes. This comic managed it within the first five panels. Conveniently enough, the statue also happens to be the monster in the first story too.

I can't help but wonder when they were putting the story together whether the writer was an old man saying to himself 'yes, a monster...and some kind of spooky house. That's what kids like nowadays, right? Daggummit Mortimer Chacahoochie, you done it again!' Because it really does kind of read like a half-lucid summary of a longer ghost story, vaguely remembered by a person who wasn't really fond of it in the first place. I think my favorite aspect of this comic is the eyes, though they're mainly dots...the eyebrows are nicely expressive.

For a Gory Cause: The Mortuary Collection

Back again gang with a new kickstarter that just has me UNBELIEVABLY excited. 13 days to go and still a little over 10k left. This is a cute throwback to the camp of the 80s, and looks like it could be another excellent anthology. You all know how much I love those anthologies.

I'll just quote the page for you: "An eccentric mortician spins four twisted tales of madness and the macabre in a sleepy New England town where nothing is as it seems."

If this at all interests you, please check this link out. They've even got an awesome video.

Bleed, the Webseries

So here's a funny little web series I watched a few years ago and figured was worth sharing with you guys today. As some of you may know, I'm from Texas. This was filmed in Austin. That's not really important, but I thought it was cool.

The story follows one really bad new vampire and his friend, pretty reluctant to become one himself...but surprisingly good at it, comparably. It's a silly little show with some decent acting, mostly bad...and it's all fun. A good way to spend an afternoon, I think.

Unfortunately, it doesn't look like there's any humanly possible way to link the 2nd episode as a video here on Wordpress, so here's the link to their channel for you to view everything by Bleedonlineseries if the first episode has caught your fancy.

Horror Flick of the Week: Love Bites (1993)

When I was about 4, I had a small blue trunk. I would prop the trunk up in my room and climb inside it, pretending I was a vampire. I’d spend several minutes inside preparing myself to rise from the dead in a proper fashion, but I could never do it just right. Being about a foot taller than the trunk didn’t help. I don’t remember when I stopped doing this, but I’m sure I kept playing the vampire trunk game well until climbing inside the ‘coffin’ made breathing difficult.

But what does this trip down memory lane have to do with this movie? Hardly anything at all, but I was doing just this on the day I first saw Love Bites on the Sci-fi channel. No…not Syfy. This was when it happened to be a legitimate station worth watching. I curse the day someone decided it should be commonplace to take vampires out of their coffins, because I don’t think anything is so satisfying as seeing a vampire ‘rise properly’ (from the coffin, you pervert.)

Adam Ant is not the world’s greatest actor, but he makes up for any lack of talent onscreen with charm and an awesome singing voice. He doesn’t sing in this movie though, so the charm is a double serving. The result is a pretty fun horror rom-com.

Before we proceed, I'd like to say this movie is easy to find. It's not. I spent an embarrassing amount of money on a vhs copy about 6 years ago, and I still don't tell people how much I paid for it. If you see a copy for less than 20 bucks, buy it immediately. I may or may not have found a streaming version available on photobucket, too, if you're really interested in watching this.

Basically the story is about a vampire who over-sleeps, finds out his place has been not only renovated severely but that it's rented out to a young woman with basic karate defense skills, and decides he wants to be human again to experience all the futuristic wonders of the early 90s. This is where it actually gets pretty unique, because in this world, vampires can become human again if they reset their digestive systems by eating real food and getting themselves on a regular night-time sleeping schedule.

For me, Love Bites is a Halloween tradition. I just have to watch it every October, or I haven't done it right. Hopefully it can become your tradition too, if you manage to find it.

Tis The Season

Only 11 chopping days till Christmas...

Drive-in Trailers: HO HO HO-...rror

As Christmas approaches, a strange chill seems to settle over the world. The carnage of Black Friday has passed, but an even greater danger waits. From his frozen lair, the beast awakens. Clawed and grinning, Kris Kringle must once more feed on the children of-…wait, that doesn’t happen? You mean he’s a completely genial symbol of a joyful holiday bringing families together to celebrate the birth of the Christian messiah, winter, and togetherness? Damn. Well, now I suppose this list of Christmas trailers is totally inappropriate…but I’ll list them anyway.

Let It Snow

Not  a terribly large update today, but I just had to share this picture that put me in mind for the season. Who says Hitchcock didn't have a sense of humor?

A Tribute to William Castle

You know, there aren’t many gimmicks in movie theatres nowadays. Oh, of course there’s 3d…I’m sorry…’Real D’, and then who can forget the kid’s boxes you pay more for than popcorn, candy, and soda combined? But there was a time when going to the movies was more than just that. Specifically, this would be the time of William Castle, aptly known as the ‘KING OF GIMMICKS’.

House on Haunted Hill was one of my first William Castle films. Actually, it was one of my first horror films in general. His daughter would eventually co-produce the remake of this classic, but sadly without the gimmick (I should know, I saw the remake in theatres when I was ten.) When the film was shown in theatres, there was a climactic moment of a skeleton rising from a vat and pursuing the villainess until she found her own cruel demise. Right at this moment, a skeleton on wires would advance through the aisles to ‘terrorize’ the audience.

Don't let those smiles fool you. They're grins of fear!!!

William Castle was a producer, director, writer, and even occasionally an actor. It’s not surprising he was somewhat influenced by Hitchcock, when you consider the myriad introductions he did to a few films, as well as little conclusions. The one for Mr. Sardonicus is a personal favorite of mine. If you have not seen the film, and do not want to know the ending, forego this video clip. It does somewhat give a few things away. Also skip the next paragraph.

An awful lot of people debate whether an ‘alternate ending’ actually existed, because nobody ever really voted for Mr. Sardonicus to have a happy one. I don’t believe that alternate ending was actually filmed, because the…unhappy ending…is much more suiting.

I believe William Castle was brilliant, and not only for his games and surprises in the theatres, but because his movies were actually good (even without them.) Honestly, you don’t really get that with the few other films who’ve tried to do their own little surprises in theatres. I mean, as much as I love the Nightmare on Elm Street series, I’d be lying through my teeth if I said part 6 was an Oscar winner, with the special ‘3d’ moments, when you’d be able to see the dream demons properly through the magical dream glasses by the dream murderer’s daughter…it’s not dreamy.

Much like Orson Welles, Castle saw his career flourish from the very beginning in Hollywood..which makes sense, because they did work together in radio. Like Korman, he became an expert at making films fast under a budget. He was like Frankenstein’s monster of famous filmmakers.

A few other interesting gimmicks he came up with were as follows: buzzers in random seats for ‘The Tingler’, life insurance policies for ‘Macabre’ ($1000 dollars per audience member), a refund for pansies who couldn’t sit through ‘Homicidal’ complete with a coward’s certificate and an embarrassing march to a special booth, 3d glasses that would enable you to see the ghosts in 13 Ghosts, plastic axes for the audience seeing Strait-Jacket, seatbelts in some seats for ‘I Saw What You Did’…that one kinda falls short for me, but there’s only so many weird things you can do for your movies before the well runs dry.

He knew how to play his audience, whether he could see them or not, and I think when he passed away in 1977…good horror has never been the same.

This has little relevance, but...yeah, I think I can stand behind this political party...

Horror Flick of the Week: Evil Dead

As a sort of belated reference to Bruce Campbell's recent birthday this past week, I think I'm going to suggest one of my favorite films, a piece no true horror fan can go without seeing, and also a movie that got a fairly good remake this past year. Evil Dead. The stage musical is also awesome, and worth seeing a thousand times.

There are so many arguments out there about this movie, whether it's horror or comedy, and I feel the need to set this record straight. Part 2 is a comedy. Army of Darkness is a comedy. Evil Dead...is not a comedy. This is Sam Raimi cutting his teeth way before he got into the big leagues. A fun fact I'd like to mention is that Sam, Bruce, and Ted (Sam's brother, also known as Joxer the mighty) had actually done a lot of movie projects together in high school on Super-8 film. This isn't really relevant, but I'm a fan girl, therefore I sometimes say irrelevant things. Or maybe that's just my ADHD...

Anyway, it begins with a group of friends driving out to a cabin in the woods, with something...moving through the woods. Too fast to be an animal, and it's basically floating over the water. Luckily, everyone has the joy of singing in the car to protect them. Also somewhat reckless driving...

After nearly crashing into a truck, we discover early on that the driver of the car, Scott, is an asshole. This isn't too important, I just wanted to let everyone know Scott's a dick.

You know what, Scott? You're just like freaking Larry!

I suppose I should mention Ash at this point. Everybody loves Ash. He's got so much charisma and personality, right? Wrong. In the beginning, he's hollow and empty, like that pathetic feeling you have once you've finished a pint of ice cream, when you promised you'd never touch the demon milk again. Demon milk...maybe I should have used a different term...

When everybody arrives at the cabin, we discover a shocking fact: this empty, abandoned house in the middle of the woods...is creepy. The first person to grasp just how creepy is Ash's sister, Cheryll, when an innocent sketching hour turns into a DEATHLY SKETCHING...HOUR!

The cellar door-thing goes crazy, and then everyone sits down to eat. She doesn't bring up her terrible paper genocide, which leads me to assume she is an idiot. Just then, that door-thing I mentioned bursts open. When Cheryll suggests that it might have been an idiot, Scott the dick chimes in that it's a stupid idea. I mean, it's not like large rodents knock crap over and destroy property all the time or anything. This was obviously done by the wind. Damn that wind!

This isn't relevant, it's just an obligatory picture of Ash.

After some general snooping, Scott and Ash find your average, every-day, run-of-the mill skull dagger and Necronomicon.

Scott makes a wise-ass crack, and Ash laughs at his cleverness, likely biting out the bitter hatred he's developed towards Scott over the years. A tape player is also discovered, and we discover the story of a doctor, the book, and a demon summoning. Part of it, anyway, before Cheryll goes nuts and runs out. Eventually she ends up in the woods, and let's just say...she gets raped by trees. Say it with a sexy intonation in your voice though, as if it's some sort of indirect reference. There's no other way to imply someone's been raped by trees than actually literally coming out with it.

At this point, it's safe to say a good bit of hell has 'broken loose'. I suspect some of it is also stuck, but we'll leave that for another day...

Cheryll is the first victim. From here on out, if you don't see what happens to a character, but they come back with torn clothes...it's safe to assume...yeah. There's not much in the ways of great acting her. There's a lot to say for some great camera work on a low budget, though. It's also a pretty great story, if you haven't been tired out by all of the references to this concept. By all means, I feel it deserves it's spot as a cult classic, and a classic in general. If tree rape didn't grab your attention though, maybe this isn't the movie for you. Look for something tamer, like the edited-for-tv version of Hellraiser, or maybe just an hour-long test pattern. I don't know, you'll think of something. However, if you ARE intrigued by the tree rape, or the fact that this is just an epic movie in all, definitely check it out. Try to get as many unsuspecting victims...I mean friends...to watch it with you, too.

Spooky Board Games: Zombie Fluxx

You know, sometimes, old maid just doesn't cut the deck. Go fish rarely has enough bite to it. Poker never involves a red-hot fireplace instrument. Fluxx, however, can pretty go in just about any direction you want it to. There's a game for Star Trek enthusiasts, Hippies, Monty Python, Cthulhu (may he waken soon, Iah! Iah! Cthulhu fhtagn.) There's a Fluxx for everyone...even...

Zombies? That's right. Flesh-eating monsters stalking the world in re-animated corpses, primarily feasting on brains and the occasional intestine, the most love-able creatures on earth have got their own Fluxx game.

For those of you innocents who have not gotten the chance to enjoy a good round of Fluxx, this one is absolutely fantastic to start with. The basic rules are 'draw a card, play a card'. From there, you can play a goal, which gives everyone an idea of how they can win the game. The goal can be changed. You can play weapons/keepers, zombies/creepers have to be on the table when you get them, and you can even play rule cards. It can get pretty wild when you've got a 'draw 5, play all' card, or when the son of a bitch sitting next to you decides to change the goal right when you're about to win...but the worst card of all, the one card that can turn a five minute game into a five hour game when you're not careful...is Larry. When anyone changes the goal, he shifts clockwise. And so the pain usually begins.

Screw you, Larry!

This game taught me the meaning of expensive card decks, it also taught me the meaning of friendship, and now I truly understand what jerks my friends are. But hey, it's pretty fun! If you want to learn more about the wonderful world of fluxx, check out http://www.looneylabs.com for their whole line of cards. I've got my eyes on 'Are You a Werewolf' at the moment, but I'll probably never go to a party without this one.

Spooky Board Games: 1313 Dead End Drive

For the many of you who've had the chance to play Clue, this game is pretty much the exact opposite. Your goal isn't to accuse or catch the murderer, but to be the murderer. Picture 'Mouse Trap' meets 'Clue' meets 'Monopoly' and you'll begin to get an idea of what I'm talking about. You get to bluff and hide your identity, move other people's pieces, kill fellow players, and all for the sake of money. In your average financial game like Monopoly, the bankrupt player generally sends most of their stuff back to the bank, or gradually sells it off until they have absolutely nothing left. In 1313 Dead End Drive, the dead person's cash just goes to the next heir in line.



This was my favorite game as a kid. As dark as it is, it's also incredibly funny. Did I mention it's really colorful, and the pictures are funny too?