Horror Flick of the Week: Dracula (1931)

Cliche? Perhaps. I just went to the theatre this week and watched the English-Spanish double feature TCM is featuring nationwide, and had a blast. But...there were only 5 people in the theatre (including myself and two friends) during the first film, and only us when the Spanish version aired. Which leads me to believe not enough people truly appreciate this movie.

I will not say it's Lugosi's greatest performance, even though it's spectacular. Honestly, I think he doesn't get enough attention for the many other excellent roles he has played in horror. Sure...there were a few bad ones...but I really never fault his performance. Even Plan 9, the few frames he was actually present, I wouldn't say Lugosi was what made that movie bad. But this isn't an article about Bela, it's a recommendation for any and all who haven't Seen Universal's Dracula to do so as quickly as possible, and follow it up with the Spanish one too.

Renfield was not a huge character in the novel, and only cinema has made him dynamic. Specifically this movie is what started it...so watch Dwight Frye (english) and Pablo Alvarez Rubio (spanish) closely. They're absolutely incredible. In fact, I'd say they're my favorite characters in both movies. Keep in mind that the pacing is slow, because this was during the infancy of talkies, but also keep in mind that Todd Browning was nothing if not a master of making silence work for him rather than against. IF you have put Universal's Dracula off for any reason, this is the year to finally give it a good watch. You won't regret it.

Horror Flick of the Week: Love Bites (1993)

When I was about 4, I had a small blue trunk. I would prop the trunk up in my room and climb inside it, pretending I was a vampire. I’d spend several minutes inside preparing myself to rise from the dead in a proper fashion, but I could never do it just right. Being about a foot taller than the trunk didn’t help. I don’t remember when I stopped doing this, but I’m sure I kept playing the vampire trunk game well until climbing inside the ‘coffin’ made breathing difficult.

But what does this trip down memory lane have to do with this movie? Hardly anything at all, but I was doing just this on the day I first saw Love Bites on the Sci-fi channel. No…not Syfy. This was when it happened to be a legitimate station worth watching. I curse the day someone decided it should be commonplace to take vampires out of their coffins, because I don’t think anything is so satisfying as seeing a vampire ‘rise properly’ (from the coffin, you pervert.)

Adam Ant is not the world’s greatest actor, but he makes up for any lack of talent onscreen with charm and an awesome singing voice. He doesn’t sing in this movie though, so the charm is a double serving. The result is a pretty fun horror rom-com.

Before we proceed, I'd like to say this movie is easy to find. It's not. I spent an embarrassing amount of money on a vhs copy about 6 years ago, and I still don't tell people how much I paid for it. If you see a copy for less than 20 bucks, buy it immediately. I may or may not have found a streaming version available on photobucket, too, if you're really interested in watching this.

Basically the story is about a vampire who over-sleeps, finds out his place has been not only renovated severely but that it's rented out to a young woman with basic karate defense skills, and decides he wants to be human again to experience all the futuristic wonders of the early 90s. This is where it actually gets pretty unique, because in this world, vampires can become human again if they reset their digestive systems by eating real food and getting themselves on a regular night-time sleeping schedule.

For me, Love Bites is a Halloween tradition. I just have to watch it every October, or I haven't done it right. Hopefully it can become your tradition too, if you manage to find it.

Drive-in Trailers: Fanged Fiends

Fanged Fiends, because 'Vampires' was too overdone. What's great about these creatures, is that no two versions are alike. Some of them are bad-ass, some of them aren't, some of them have fangs, some of them blur the lines between actually being monsters or just psychologically disturbed. The list goes on. It's hard to define what a vampire is because they are the root of all monsters. One that was human who thrives on what still is...

Ending it on the lucky number '13', and saving the Hammer films...for another day.

Horror Flick of the Week: Monster Club (1980)

So, it's a horror anthology movie of various scary stories set to the backdrop of monsters in a club telling them. A very 80s sort of movie, with new wave music in-between tales. Currently it's available on YouTube in it's entirety, if you'd like to check it out.

The music is incredibly fun, but the movie doesn't really seem to know what it wants to be. Yet it works. It's one of the funnest movies you could watch, and I think it owes to the man that inspired the stories, R. Chetwynd-Hayes. A majority of his books are out-of-print, but they're worth checking in to. The man creates a world of his own, very dry wit amid a strange population of monsters. He even makes a kind of family tree for them (like what might happen when a werewolf and vampire have a child, or a ghoul and a vampire, or a ghoul and a shagmock...) which is reflected in this movie really well.

What really stands out for me, though, is that it looks like everyone involved with this picture had a great time. The transition from story to story is done pretty well, and the meat of each tale has a hint of originality, if not cute humor to it. This is an early evening Halloween movie to watch when the kids start to come around asking for candy, and a great opener for a horror-themed party.

If none of that was confusing, just watch this awesome number.

You can just feel the new wave leaking out of the screen...and maybe a little bit of blood, but that's normal.

The Chamber of the Obscure: Vampire Movies

There are so very many vampire movies out there, and so very many good ones that people don't seem to be too familiar with. My favorite ones tend to be the flicks time has forgotten or nobody ever seems to watch. I figured these little treats were worth mentioning to those of us who just haven't found the fanged flick with the right bite to it yet. 

1. Love Bites (1993)

For a man who can't stand cleaning, his lacy sleeves sure are white.

Years ago, I got really tired of hunting for copies of this one. So when I finally stumbled on a copy on Ebay, I paid a ridiculously high price for it. Luckily for the lot of you, and not my checkbook, only a few years later it became available on all sorts of sites, including iTunes. It's not scary by a long shot. It's not a big budget picture. The acting isn't even that great. The Adam Ant fan girl in me rebels against the idea, but it's true. HOWEVER, god this is a cute one. A vampire wakes up after about a hundred years of sleeping due to a bad break-up, meets the girl living in his house, and decides he doesn't want to be a vampire anymore. Why? I guess because now that cars can talk, and divorced women are everywhere, he's decided he's found the perfect era to grow old and die in. This screams early 90s, and it used to play on the Scifi channel every Halloween. Sadly, that particular station has turned to crap...but at least the Apple store can help you enjoy it on your phone.

2. Vampires Anonymous (2003)

Just a nip...one tiny bite...

This came on  HBO a few times awhile back, and I never managed to catch the whole thing until I bought the dvd. Now I'll admit, the monsters going to self-help meetings has been a bit over-played as of late. Especially zombies. Thankfully, they manage to make this less about people confessing their morbid habits in a circle, and more about the actual steps to recovery. Vic the vampire attempts to tackle a 12 Step Program in a ten-sheep town, falls in love with a girl, and ska music pursues him throughout his whole journey. Oh, cops too, but they're really just a side story.

3. A Polish Vampire in Burbank (1985)

After this was filmed, both actors above went on to become two of the world's greatest underwear models.

Man, the back-story behind this movie is almost more entertaining than the story itself. It's a movie that started with one actor as the lead, had some union issues, and then had to be completely re-written, with the original lead completely recast and re-written. Apprently it was the first 'Super 8 film to be distributed in video stores and on cable television'. The budget was around 2500. The main character is a vampire with small fangs who has to start bringing home his own blood, or he's out. I won't preach that this is a cinematic masterpiece, but it's incredibly fun to watch. Plus...talking skeletons. If you buy a copy though, please try to get it at www.pirromount.com. 

4. Nightlife (1989)

Time to clean house. Violently/Spiritually!

Another movie of the exact same name came out this year, but it's about zombies. This one is about vampires. If you find a copy, make sure it's got Ben Cross and Keith Szarabajka, or you've got the wrong one. The difference between this flick and the others on the list, is that the main character is female. Not only is she female, but she's pretty good at taking care of herself. Granted, not nearly as good as her ass-kicking Mexican housemaid, who, I'd like to point out, is the greatest vampire hunter I've seen in cinematic history. The acting from the cast is a little better in this one than the other movies on the list, but it was made for tv. If you saw Ben Cross as Barnabas, and wanted more of him in his fanged glory, definitely look for this movie to add to your collection.

5. Vampires in Havana (1985)

Fangs? Check. Claws? Check. Blue tongue? ...What?

Thank god for Netflix. If not, I might have put this one off much longer than it deserves. Just about the easiest movie to find on this list, it's in the rare category of 'awesome adult cartoon'. Awesome because it's not just about boobs, which it actually still has a lot of, but it's also about music. History. Culture. Vampires. Mad scientists. Revolution. Everything you'd want in a good Cuban film. Basically, you've got your vampire doctor trying to find a formula that enables vampires to go out in the sun, and he's been using it on his nephew for years just to make sure it was safe. Any good uncle would do the same. A bunch of gangster vampires find out, and decide to steal the formula so they can market it. What else could you ask for?

Individually, these movies are all amazing, but together, they make for a pretty epic marathon. If you can get your hands on them, try to watch all of these movies in one night. But don't forget the pizza and the garlic bread.

The Monster Cereals

One of the best parts of the haunting season is of course the food. Candy in needlessly large bags for sale at every grocery store, little magazines with 'spooky ideas' for 'creepy dinner parties', the chance to grab a pumpkin without seeking out your weekly farmers market, and finally...the General Mills monsters.

Let's be honest, a vampire could never survive on chocolate. But chocolate cereal with milk that turns into chocolate milk when they're combined? AND marshmallow bits? Apparently General Mills says this was the first chocolate cereal with chocolate marshmallows. Nothing really stands out about the flavor to me, but the box is always pretty cool.

Much like the spirit of the Snozzberry, Franken-Berry tastes like Franken-Berry...if you really think about it. Franken is usually tacked onto anything brought back from the dead or re-animated. The flavoring is artificial...so it's re-animated, isn't it? Wow. Now that I think about it, this is the most honest food on the market. As a kid, I was never a huge fan of Franken-Berry, but you can't really have an October without at least one bowl of this guy's Franken-Fruit.

I think out of all three, though, Boo-Berry is my absolute favorite. It's not even the ghost that gets me, though he does seem to be the smartest of the three. It's the genuine taste of this one. Blueberry just isn't a flavor you find in a lot of cereals. Most manufacturers punch the 'strawberry', 'cinnamon', and 'chocolate' flavors an awful lot more. So thank you, Mister Boo Berry, for standing out among them all-

Oh, hi Fruit Brute. Fruity Yummy Mummy. Yeah, nobody liked you. Sorry about that. Maybe because people don't generally equate the word 'brute' with werewolf, or they don't like the idea of fur in their cereal. I don't suppose the fact that the Mummy's name was too long had anything to do with it...Maybe it was the taste? I suspect it's a combination, and the fact that they're labelled with the simple flavor of 'fruit', a concept more terrifying than the monsters themselves. Who knows. These two disappeared long before I was around to judge them.

At any rate, for those of you who just really liked the commercials, here's a pretty epic video I found I thought you may enjoy...