Horror Flick of the Week: Salem's Lot (1979)

My friends, this is one of the greatest vampire movies of all time. It is one of the greatest Stephen King films. It is also one of the greatest made for TV movies. Not because of phenomenal effects (though they're pretty solid and simple), but because of acting, writing, and story. It's the perfect horror film.

Make no mistake, it's pretty 70s as far as movies go, which isn't a bad thing. It suits the Stephen King setting quite well (small Maine-esque town, quaint locals, stranger rolling in a la Something Wicked This Way Comes, and the gradual corruption/death of everyone he encounters). What's more, who doesn't love a good old-fashioned Nosferatu? I know I sure do! Do yourself a favor if you haven't watched Salem's Lot yet--which I can't even begin to understand--you won't regret it.

Vintage Comics: The Beyond #2: The Mystery of Lunablanca & The Ghost who Stole a Body (Cover-Pg. 15)

Coming close to Halloween! 2 more days! So why not journey back to one of the first comic series I shared here, 'The Beyond', and continue on into their 2nd issue? I am still fascinated by the glorious colors in this series, and pleased with how the color correction came out this time around. Yes, I do moderate color correction on these comics sometimes when the yellow balance is too high.

Absolutely adore the villain-esque designs of the Countess Sinestra 'transforming' from a bat into a bat...woman...vampire-thing. I have a feeling if this had ever been adapted to the screen, Barbara Steele would have been ideal for the roles of both women.

As for the second story, the ghost art was absolutely stunning, with much heavier ink lines than we normally see in these comics. Perhaps a little dialog heavy, most of them are, but well worth the read just for the gorgeous panels alone.

Book of the Week: Look for Me By Moonlight by Mary Downing Hahn

I'm sure I've gone on tirades before about what makes a real vampire (or a good one), and the fact that they are not in fact romantic heroes. Dracula, especially, was nothing if not a predator and monster. Now that I've gotten that out of the way, I'd like to tell you guys about a wonderfully dark little book I first discovered in middle school, and fell in love with. There's a romantic gloss to the cover, and a sweet title, belying the dark story behind it.

If you wanted Sarah to pick Jareth in Labyrinth, perhaps this book isn't for you. Bowie was gorgeous with his typical glam rock beauty, but he was a man pursuing a little girl who wanted to prove to the world she was a woman. There's a similar vein in this book about a young girl named Cynda vacationing with her family and trying to find her own way, isolated from the father and stepmother she doesn't know, as well as the little brother she doesn't really like. Then, Vincent shows up, and suddenly everything is different. It gets darker, and pretty soon the game Cynda thinks she's playing spirals out of control. It's a young adult novel, and certainly appropriate for the audience, but the heart of the story is a disturbing one, and that's what makes this book so fantastic.

Horror Flick of the Week: Near Dark (1987)

If I said Bill Paxton's passing this year didn't affect me, I'd be lying. He was always one of my favorite character actors. In honor of Bill, and because this really is one of the best vampire films out there, Near Dark is getting a special mention this week. As tempted as I am to gush about the bar scene, post it, and dissect how awesome it is, you'll have to experience it for yourself. Also, yes, this isn't the American release poster, but it's too awesome not to feature.

It's not just Bill who gives an awesome performance in this. Everyone does. Lance Henriksen, of course, plays an excellent villain. Don't let the re-release of the film fool you if you haven't seen it before, there is nothing even remotely 'Twilight-esque' about Near Dark. It's gritty, dark, and pretty much as close to a modern western as you can get.

Book of the Week: Varney The Vampire: Or "The Feast Of Blood" by Thomas Preskett Prest

With Dracula, many romantic images are conceived in today's readers minds. They attribute a good deal of the mythos to that particular novel, and for good reason...it was pretty popular, but did you know this one came pretty much half a century before, and was the true progenitor of many of the tropes we still use today in vampire stories?

There's plenty of awesome 'penny dreadfuls' out there worth browsing through if you like yourself something a little campy, a little gory, and perhaps a little tasteless...but few so long, and rarely do they receive much attention today ('The String of Pearls' aside, which you may know by the name 'Sweeney Todd'.)

Essentially it's a soap opera. In fact, fans of Dark Shadows might even consider Varney awfully similar to Barnabas Collins in his journey, at times sympathetic, and other times absolutely despicable. Anyway, it's a fun romp, and an important mile stone in Gothic literature, well worth the read (over perhaps several dozen sittings.)

Horror Flick of the Week: Dracula (1931)

Cliche? Perhaps. I just went to the theatre this week and watched the English-Spanish double feature TCM is featuring nationwide, and had a blast. But...there were only 5 people in the theatre (including myself and two friends) during the first film, and only us when the Spanish version aired. Which leads me to believe not enough people truly appreciate this movie.

I will not say it's Lugosi's greatest performance, even though it's spectacular. Honestly, I think he doesn't get enough attention for the many other excellent roles he has played in horror. Sure...there were a few bad ones...but I really never fault his performance. Even Plan 9, the few frames he was actually present, I wouldn't say Lugosi was what made that movie bad. But this isn't an article about Bela, it's a recommendation for any and all who haven't Seen Universal's Dracula to do so as quickly as possible, and follow it up with the Spanish one too.

Renfield was not a huge character in the novel, and only cinema has made him dynamic. Specifically this movie is what started it...so watch Dwight Frye (english) and Pablo Alvarez Rubio (spanish) closely. They're absolutely incredible. In fact, I'd say they're my favorite characters in both movies. Keep in mind that the pacing is slow, because this was during the infancy of talkies, but also keep in mind that Todd Browning was nothing if not a master of making silence work for him rather than against. IF you have put Universal's Dracula off for any reason, this is the year to finally give it a good watch. You won't regret it.

Horror Flick of the Week - Slaughter of the Vampires / Curse of the Blood Ghouls (1962)

Don't let the trailer fool you. Lurking out there somewhere in cyberspace (or possibly on a good quality dvd) is an excellent copy of this movie, as crisp as something you'd expect from a prized Bava picture, not from something by Roberto Mauri (who also directed such films as 'Zorikan the Barbarian' and 'The Porno Killers'). Now, it isn't nearly the same class as Bava's best, but certainly enjoyable enough to at least spend the night watching with a couple of friends. It's just a simple, classic kind of vampire story. Evil count. Terrified villagers. Handsome young man struggling to maintain his humanity while he battles evil...



The dubbing is...well, it's an Italian movie. So the dubbing is fairly obvious. But keep in mind, that's pretty much how it works out with most Italian cinema, and there are plenty out there worth checking out if you can get over that hurdle many people seem to struggle with. It's well worth the effort.

Horror Flick of the Week: What We Do in the Shadows

It is incredibly rare for me to feature a new release on the blog, but this one was just too good not to recommend. What We Do in the Shadows took a premise which I don't tend to be too receptive to...mockumentaries (I generally find them quite boring), combined it with Jemaine Clement and a bit of Rhys Darby, and lots of vampires. Also some werewolves and zombies. It's about the lives of 4 vampire flatmates, their new (reluctant) fledgling friend, and mostly just jokes ragging on everything about vampire movies.

This movie was so fun, I didn't regret driving 2+ hours to Austin to see it, because god forbid anything even remotely independent or foreign gets decent distribution in general American theatres. Honestly, even the cgi was pretty decent (for the most part), which is no small praise from me. If you get the chance to see this in theates, do not pass it up.

Horror Flick of the Week: Love Bites (1993)

When I was about 4, I had a small blue trunk. I would prop the trunk up in my room and climb inside it, pretending I was a vampire. I’d spend several minutes inside preparing myself to rise from the dead in a proper fashion, but I could never do it just right. Being about a foot taller than the trunk didn’t help. I don’t remember when I stopped doing this, but I’m sure I kept playing the vampire trunk game well until climbing inside the ‘coffin’ made breathing difficult.

But what does this trip down memory lane have to do with this movie? Hardly anything at all, but I was doing just this on the day I first saw Love Bites on the Sci-fi channel. No…not Syfy. This was when it happened to be a legitimate station worth watching. I curse the day someone decided it should be commonplace to take vampires out of their coffins, because I don’t think anything is so satisfying as seeing a vampire ‘rise properly’ (from the coffin, you pervert.)

Adam Ant is not the world’s greatest actor, but he makes up for any lack of talent onscreen with charm and an awesome singing voice. He doesn’t sing in this movie though, so the charm is a double serving. The result is a pretty fun horror rom-com.

Before we proceed, I'd like to say this movie is easy to find. It's not. I spent an embarrassing amount of money on a vhs copy about 6 years ago, and I still don't tell people how much I paid for it. If you see a copy for less than 20 bucks, buy it immediately. I may or may not have found a streaming version available on photobucket, too, if you're really interested in watching this.

Basically the story is about a vampire who over-sleeps, finds out his place has been not only renovated severely but that it's rented out to a young woman with basic karate defense skills, and decides he wants to be human again to experience all the futuristic wonders of the early 90s. This is where it actually gets pretty unique, because in this world, vampires can become human again if they reset their digestive systems by eating real food and getting themselves on a regular night-time sleeping schedule.

For me, Love Bites is a Halloween tradition. I just have to watch it every October, or I haven't done it right. Hopefully it can become your tradition too, if you manage to find it.

Book(s) Of the Week: "Carmilla"

Carmilla

By Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu

When I was about 8, my mom went about getting rid of several crates of books she'd collected over the years. It was an annual thing to clean house by making a Goodwill donation stop. Of course I couldn't understand why she'd get rid of so many, so on our way there I dug through the crates. This particular book stood out to me, so I kept it and read it. The cover I posted in this article is the edition of Carmilla I found. There was something very alluring about the way the illustrator drew the girl's red hair. To this day I am glad I kept that book, because it became one of my favorites.

Some stories reach through time and refuse to age. The language used in them is neither overly-flowery nor simple. Carmilla is one of them.

Don't let the many erotic covers, the Hammer adaptations (pumped up with 3 times the sexuality, thanks to the gorgeous Ingrid Pitt) or loose interpretations of Carmilla fool you. It is a wonderful novella from the Gothic period which serves as one of the best ways to introduce a person to the style.

It is about Laura, a young girl telling of her experiences with a beautiful woman named Carmilla. Admittedly, there are some erotic undertones to that element. But what I find strangest about Carmilla, is that there is one particular aspect of the story that gets taken and used in the countless film/television adaptations of Dracula. Despite her lack of humanity and the darkness that lurks behind Carmilla's nature...I always felt she loved Laura. She genuinely loved her in a small way only a soul-less monster of the night could.

The atmosphere is excellent, the story is a classic. If you are an avid fan of anything vampire-related, but you aren't yet ready to tackle Dracula or Varney, this is the perfect stepping stone into the classic genre.

Book(s) of the Week: "The Blood Moon Trilogy"

The Blood Moon Trilogy

By Dawn Thompson

I suppose it’s technically cheating to put three books up for this week’s suggested reading, but I really do believe you have to read all three of these books to appreciate this absolutely brilliant story.

Perhaps it was the Dracula suggestion that reminded me of these. Often I struggle to find novels (modern ones) that are horror-related without a smattering of foul language and excessive sexy time. What I mean to say is that these books aren’t the average fare of your ‘dark romance’ or ‘best-selling horror’ shelves at Hastings or Walmart. The character development is there and most importantly, the atmosphere/tone/setting are all incredibly chilling.

Now I won’t lie and say there aren’t some sexy time bits, but they don’t dominate the story. The main character, Jon Hyde-White, is more focused on the fact that he’s about to be damned along with the woman he loves than he is on her creamy skin and pouty lips. A monster, a really nice old-fashioned Strigoi, has attacked both of them; it’s a race against the clock to pursue the monster back to Moldavia and cure themselves before it’s too late. There’s also an awesome gypsy vampire hunter who knows what they’re dealing with. One of my favorite aspects is that these books don’t abandon the classic elements of exactly what harms a vampire (holy water, crosses, sunlight.)

The second book follows the story after a sort of cure has been found for the couple, though it’s certainly not what you would expect. Their son now has to face the same monster, with a much different sort of challenge on his plate. He’s also in love, but again…there’s more to it than just the romance, it’s an epic adventure.

The third book explores the final portion of the story, with the gypsy vampire hunter the reader met (and probably fell in love with) from the first book. He’s actually a pretty consistent character throughout the trilogy, following the heroic cycle quite nicely as the mentor and advisor. So the fact that he gets his own battle and journey is incredibly satisfying.

I love Miss Thompson’s books, and her imagery is some of the most beautiful and haunting that I’ve read in a long time. Unfortunately she passed away in 2008, so there will never be another book set in this darker world she explored. What I can say is that she’s one of those ‘romance authors’ who really shows you that it’s not a sub-genre one should completely dismiss without exploring first. Her books are well worth the read.

Book of the week: “The Essential Dracula: The Difinitive Annotated Edition”

The Essential Dracula: The Definitive Annotated Edition, By Leonard Wolf

(Obviously the actual novel bit is by Bram Stoker)

Get me drunk enough, and there are a few things you’ll commonly see me do: talk with an Irish accent (even though I am in no way related to anyone Irish), spout random French words from my old high school French class, and complain that nobody has ever properly given Dracula it’s due on the big screen. What does this have to do with my favorite edition of Dracula I’ve ever read? Well, I’ll tell you.

It is not easy to write an annotated book without getting heavy-handed, or filling the novel with footnotes that just aren’t necessary or interesting. A lot of times, annotated books just break down to defining a word a moderate reader might not understand, like ‘superfluous’ or ‘clatu virata nicto’. Somehow, Mr. Wolf managed to inject an interesting or useful note into practically every page. The footnotes themselves actually add to Dracula, rather than taking away from it.

In reading this edition, I felt like I had come to know more about the time period, the novel, and Bram Stoker himself. What’s more, since there’s just so MUCH information, reading it again has still left me feeling like I learned something new every time. It also convinces me a little bit more each time I read this edition, that a film has never been made which could compare to the book. Yes, I understand movies rarely are anywhere near as good as the books they’re based on, but you’d think after 50+ tries, someone would have nailed it in the past 90 years.

I recommend this for those of us who love Dracula, and for those of us who love history. There’s an earlier edition with lots of pretty pictures and illustrations thrown in too, but I haven’t gotten my hand on a copy yet. Ultimately, I think if anyone actually decided to do true justice to the story of Dracula in a film, they would reap the most benefit from reading this edition. Thank you, Mr. Wolf, for this wonderful read.

Horror Flick of the Week: Love at First Bite

Every year, my best friend and I gather a collection of our ‘traditional marathon movies’ and watch them like crazy on Halloween. The night always starts with Love at First Bite. Not only is it one of Hamilton’s funniest movies, but he’s also playing Dracula. I’d also like to add that it’s a quote-able movie, with plenty of awesome lines to go around.

The atmosphere at the beginning is great: fog, candle-light, howling wolves and Dracula in tails. In short, they’ve nailed the Tod Browning feel. Renfield is amazingly neurotic, creepy, funny, and…funny. The whole picture is nice and light, like a good appetizer before you sink your teeth into the main dish.

Dracula longs for the company of a woman, Cindy Sondheim, a model in New York. Now Dracula is pretty much always on the prowl, in any and all incarnations he’s ever taken. It’s no surprise then, that Cindy Sondheim is the reincarnation of his true love…Mina Harker. Instead of wasting away longing for her company and reading gossip magazines, though…he’s ousted by the government so his castle can be converted into a training facility for young athletes. This is the perfect opportunity to finally pursue the woman of his dreams.

And what’s an eviction notice without an angry mob of villagers?

He finds her, they spend the evening together, and then-Dracula gets to meet her psychiatrist/occasional love interest…Van Helsing’s grandson. They don't get on.

I’ll leave all the juicy bits out for anyone unfamiliar with this movie to discover on his or her own, but chances are that if you like Tootsie…and if you like Dracula in any form…you’ll probably like this. No, there sadly isn’t any drag, but it really brings Tootsie to mind anyway. I guess it’s the time period…or the setting…or the wig. Not sure. I’ll get back to you on that.

Book of the Week: Gil's All Fright Diner

I'm sure you've heard the incredibly over-done phrase 'don't judge a book by it's cover'. Granted, this usually isn't actually referring to books, but people. I have the habit of judging a lot of books by their covers, and these are literal books, not 'people/books'. I'll walk through a library or book store for about an hour, glancing at the the colors, the size, the style of text, and finally...if the book has passed the first 3 tests...the full cover. That's how I discovered this, and someone who would become one of my favorite modern authors. A. Lee Martinez's awesome book, 'Gil's All Fright Diner'.

You've got a burly werewolf, a scrawny vampire, an asian goth teen satanist, a lonely ghost, and...a diner that proves to be the portal to hell. I really don't know what else you could want in literary art. But more than just the basic plot, there's a style to Martinez that shines in this book. He's a lot like Christopher Moore, but without that subtle bitter undertone.

Amusing Sci-fi and Horror has a lot of trouble when it comes to a perfect story. You basically have to keep people on the edge of their seats AND laughing their heads off at the same time. This one? This one does it. I didn't know what was coming, my seasoned horror glands were sated in a pleasant way, and I genuinely laughed a few times.

My final bit of advice: Judge books by their covers. Constantly. That way, you can find cool stuff like this with minimal effort.

Drive-in Trailers: Fanged Fiends

Fanged Fiends, because 'Vampires' was too overdone. What's great about these creatures, is that no two versions are alike. Some of them are bad-ass, some of them aren't, some of them have fangs, some of them blur the lines between actually being monsters or just psychologically disturbed. The list goes on. It's hard to define what a vampire is because they are the root of all monsters. One that was human who thrives on what still is...

Ending it on the lucky number '13', and saving the Hammer films...for another day.

Short Film: The Vampire Child

A friend of mine, Aidan, who you might remember from my alien video I posted awhile back...sent me a link to a little project he just did of his own. It didn't take much to get him to let me share it with all of you.

Horror Flick of the Week: Angel of the Night (1998)

I'd like to start this off with a very special 'thank you' to gohastings.com, for always having the most random movies at ridiculously cheap prices. This is not an advertisement, I'm not telling you to buy anything there, because it really is all random. They have a bunch of previously-viewed dvd's come in and out of sale, and they cost anywhere from less than a buck to about ten, which isn't a bad deal if you know what you're buying, and it still pretty awesome even if you don't know. Compiling a list of cheapies, I did not know, nor did I do any research on this movie, because I'm a thrill-seeker. Anyway, onto the review.

This started off as a student picture, apparently, but the short film did so well that the director was able to expand it into a feature-length film. It cost about $700,000 in all. Cast and crew could not all be paid upfront, but the picture managed to pull through. It's kind of an inspiration, in a way, thinking of all the younger people involved making this into an actual movie, when a majority of them seemed to have major schedule conflicts, and an awful lot of this was filmed after midnight. Maybe a few other independent filmmakers need to take a page from this book, and use vampires more often?

Rebecca is a young woman who's gone back to her family home, after having inherited it. She brings along with her an ancient tome with really big writing on the front, and a 3d-picture. That's how you can tell it's ancient and fancy, by the way.

She's brought along some friends with her, and decides to tell them the story in her book of a young priest named Richard who was forced to do battle with a 'vampire' to protect his family and town. Unfortunately, he kills the thing, but gets nipped in the process. I use the word 'vampire' loosely, because the monster actually resembles more of a werewolf-monkey, but I digress. Here are some pretty pictures to illustrate the story.

He is then transformed into 'RICO MORTIZ, CREATURE OF THE NIGHT!' I think that's how vampires work, right? You grow long hair and change ethnicity? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's the thing. 

Back to the present, Rebecca reveals that Richard was actually her great grandfather, thus effectively killing everyone's buzz. She proceeds to mention there are family secrets in the cellar, and everyone decides to do the smart thing. They go check out the cellar. There they find the world's fanciest lawn ornament, the very stake Richard used to slay the vampire.

Rebecca tells yet another story, and I'll admit I was starting to get scared this would be one long narrative summary. But then there's a throwdown with guns, stakes, crosses, and fangs...which I'm always a sucker for. That brings me to one major point, the fangs are just fantastic in this movie. So often, I find I can't get into a vampire movie unless the teeth look real and sharp. As you can see in Rico's shot above, they're beautiful.

In less than twenty minutes, this second story is rattled off, yet somehow makes me fall in love with a character who dies in an even shorter time. Also, hippie Billy Idol vampire. Hippie and Billy Idol...two terms I never thought I'd use in the same sentence. Well-played, mister director. Well-played.

Anyway, though I'd like to repeat I HATE when movies are filled with narrative bits (you know, like someone was written in to explain chunks of the movie, because they either ran out of money, or couldn't write a script with a coherent line of events), buuuuut...this one kind of wins me over. Probably because the fights really are awesome. This is even stranger, because I also don't usually like fight scenes either.

Rebecca does manage to finish talking, finally, and then (wouldn't you know it) it turns out Rico's coffin is in that very cellar. A freak accident occurs, and Rebecca gets a small cut...the blood drips into the coffin, boom. Instant return of Rico. Kind of. Eventually. It's a little bit more complicated, with some accidental incantations, and lots of chit-chat. Another story, too. In the process of the story, Rico is vampire Richard, I guess? I suspect it's because Richard is hella more attractive. Even with fangs.

...Kind of.

You get the drift, though.

There's nothing really original here. Absolutely nothing. You can probably guess how it's going to go, once the bad guy returns, and all hell breaks loose. Even so, it's a fun ride. The pacing is pretty good, and there are certainly less draggy moments than you'd expect from a small picture. Long story short, it's fun, and it knows it's fun. Maybe I wouldn't pay for a Criterion edition (should there ever somehow be one), but I'd definitely recommend at least watching this once, if you feel like you've already seen every other vampire movie on the planet, or need to wash the bad taste of Twilight out of your mouth. Then again, you should have known better, and only have yourself to blame for that one.

Campy Nightmares: 5 Horror Flicks To Hurt Your Brain

Sometimes, I find myself watching a movie and well aware before I even pop it into the vcr/dvd player/open it on vlc/etc. that I am about to watch something which may very well consume my immortal soul. I could actually make a top '100' list of all these many narrow escapes from ultimate self-destruction, but I decided to let my brain recover from a recent one, and just stop at five for now. So without further ado, leading from mildly 'well, there goes my comprehension of logic and reality' to 'I'm officially insane', I give you 5 HORROR FLICKS TO HURT YOUR BRAIN

5. Teenage Caveman (2002)

This is one of those movies you may stumble upon late at night, if you happen to be lucky (or unlucky) enough to have access to HBO, insomnia, and a desire to enjoy some good old-fashioned 'teen' porn without the legal consequences that may come with it.

4. Terror Vision (1986)

Despite the fact that this is...a bad movie...it's not bad. Let me rephrase that. This one defines camp, (deliberately exaggerated and theatrical in style, typically for humorous effect). So why is it even listed here? Well, it's vaguely like a movie for adults, then somewhat like a movie for kids as well, but it never really defines the actual side of the fence it wants to be on...unless you count the weird bedroom scene with all of the creature heads, but nothing is outright said about sexing there, so I think it's safe to assume it could be one of the adult jokes they always slip into a children's movie just so parents don't shoot themselves from boredom. Even with the fact that it looks like an 80s romp for the kiddies, the monster is just too scary. By an 8-year-old's standards, anyway. Maybe I'm just biased, from a distant memory of running out of the room crying because I couldn't handle the man-eating slime monster, and huddling under my bed until I knew the movie was over. Still, I think this has a well-deserved spot on my list, though it may be a bit more entertaining than the rest. Here's a trailer to give you a general idea of what the heck I mean.

3. Jack Frost (1996)

I know this may sound crazy, but given the choice between this...Christmas classic...and Child's Play, I'd pick the other one for a nursery school movie any time. Quality does come into play, based on budget, but so does actual content. There's so much damn cussing from this foul-mouthed snowman, and a bag of puns  than Freddy Kreuger on a bender. I'm not knocking the blade-man, so don't get too mad at me. I suppose the ultimate brain scorcher for me, though, would have to be the fact that it took everyone over an hour to figure out antifreeze might be a viable option for battling a block of talking ice...be warned, this movie does not feature a love-able Micheal Keaton. Not by mile-long icicle.

2. Teenage Space Vampires (1999)

I refuse to turn this into a list attacking the low budget field of cinema, nor even the poor-writing field, the bad directing field, crappy SFX field, and the terrible acting field. HOWEVER, this one kind of falls into every single one of those areas. There's only one memorable moment, the rest left me thinking to myself 'how can they be vampires, if they look like aliens? I think this movie is putting too much emphasis on the space part.' It honestly felt like one of those concepts translated to a language, and then back to the original, then maybe to a third for good measure, until nobody really knew what the monster was...so they just kinda went with it. Anyway, here's a pretty good example of one of the better moments in the movie. That's saying something, since it's not really much of a moment.

1. Ghost Fever (1987)

I feel sorry for this final one. Sherman Hemsley practically funneled a majority of his money into it, and you can really kind of almost somewhat not really see the potential here. Two ghosts try to keep the slave-owner father of one of them from leaving his grave, then the descendant of the other comes to the house they used to live in to throw two old women out, the two old women turn out to be beautiful and young, they've got a psychic...there's a dancing mummy ghost getting served by George Jefferson...Dracula...Rape machine, zombie surgery, boxing match, death, champagne and thunderstorm...I don't really know where I was going this. It feels more like a combination of as many terms as possible on a youtube video description, just to boost page views. Maybe that's what they were going for in the movie, too? I wish I could say this was another weird movie that charmed me to death in it's own poor existence, but Hemsley went bankrupt as a result of this ham. The director was so ashamed, he even took the 'Allen Smithee' name for it...which is a title usually only employed when nobody wants to acknowledge a picture as their own. I honestly hope some day this movie gets the attention 'The Room' and 'Troll 2' got, and audiences from miles around flock to worship it for the train wreck it turned out to be. It's on youtube in it's entirety, by the way, though Netflix completely dumped it. I wonder why?

Horror Flick of the Week: Monster Club (1980)

So, it's a horror anthology movie of various scary stories set to the backdrop of monsters in a club telling them. A very 80s sort of movie, with new wave music in-between tales. Currently it's available on YouTube in it's entirety, if you'd like to check it out.

The music is incredibly fun, but the movie doesn't really seem to know what it wants to be. Yet it works. It's one of the funnest movies you could watch, and I think it owes to the man that inspired the stories, R. Chetwynd-Hayes. A majority of his books are out-of-print, but they're worth checking in to. The man creates a world of his own, very dry wit amid a strange population of monsters. He even makes a kind of family tree for them (like what might happen when a werewolf and vampire have a child, or a ghoul and a vampire, or a ghoul and a shagmock...) which is reflected in this movie really well.

What really stands out for me, though, is that it looks like everyone involved with this picture had a great time. The transition from story to story is done pretty well, and the meat of each tale has a hint of originality, if not cute humor to it. This is an early evening Halloween movie to watch when the kids start to come around asking for candy, and a great opener for a horror-themed party.

If none of that was confusing, just watch this awesome number.

You can just feel the new wave leaking out of the screen...and maybe a little bit of blood, but that's normal.

The Chamber of the Obscure: Vampire Movies

There are so very many vampire movies out there, and so very many good ones that people don't seem to be too familiar with. My favorite ones tend to be the flicks time has forgotten or nobody ever seems to watch. I figured these little treats were worth mentioning to those of us who just haven't found the fanged flick with the right bite to it yet. 

1. Love Bites (1993)

For a man who can't stand cleaning, his lacy sleeves sure are white.

Years ago, I got really tired of hunting for copies of this one. So when I finally stumbled on a copy on Ebay, I paid a ridiculously high price for it. Luckily for the lot of you, and not my checkbook, only a few years later it became available on all sorts of sites, including iTunes. It's not scary by a long shot. It's not a big budget picture. The acting isn't even that great. The Adam Ant fan girl in me rebels against the idea, but it's true. HOWEVER, god this is a cute one. A vampire wakes up after about a hundred years of sleeping due to a bad break-up, meets the girl living in his house, and decides he doesn't want to be a vampire anymore. Why? I guess because now that cars can talk, and divorced women are everywhere, he's decided he's found the perfect era to grow old and die in. This screams early 90s, and it used to play on the Scifi channel every Halloween. Sadly, that particular station has turned to crap...but at least the Apple store can help you enjoy it on your phone.

2. Vampires Anonymous (2003)

Just a nip...one tiny bite...

This came on  HBO a few times awhile back, and I never managed to catch the whole thing until I bought the dvd. Now I'll admit, the monsters going to self-help meetings has been a bit over-played as of late. Especially zombies. Thankfully, they manage to make this less about people confessing their morbid habits in a circle, and more about the actual steps to recovery. Vic the vampire attempts to tackle a 12 Step Program in a ten-sheep town, falls in love with a girl, and ska music pursues him throughout his whole journey. Oh, cops too, but they're really just a side story.

3. A Polish Vampire in Burbank (1985)

After this was filmed, both actors above went on to become two of the world's greatest underwear models.

Man, the back-story behind this movie is almost more entertaining than the story itself. It's a movie that started with one actor as the lead, had some union issues, and then had to be completely re-written, with the original lead completely recast and re-written. Apprently it was the first 'Super 8 film to be distributed in video stores and on cable television'. The budget was around 2500. The main character is a vampire with small fangs who has to start bringing home his own blood, or he's out. I won't preach that this is a cinematic masterpiece, but it's incredibly fun to watch. Plus...talking skeletons. If you buy a copy though, please try to get it at www.pirromount.com. 

4. Nightlife (1989)

Time to clean house. Violently/Spiritually!

Another movie of the exact same name came out this year, but it's about zombies. This one is about vampires. If you find a copy, make sure it's got Ben Cross and Keith Szarabajka, or you've got the wrong one. The difference between this flick and the others on the list, is that the main character is female. Not only is she female, but she's pretty good at taking care of herself. Granted, not nearly as good as her ass-kicking Mexican housemaid, who, I'd like to point out, is the greatest vampire hunter I've seen in cinematic history. The acting from the cast is a little better in this one than the other movies on the list, but it was made for tv. If you saw Ben Cross as Barnabas, and wanted more of him in his fanged glory, definitely look for this movie to add to your collection.

5. Vampires in Havana (1985)

Fangs? Check. Claws? Check. Blue tongue? ...What?

Thank god for Netflix. If not, I might have put this one off much longer than it deserves. Just about the easiest movie to find on this list, it's in the rare category of 'awesome adult cartoon'. Awesome because it's not just about boobs, which it actually still has a lot of, but it's also about music. History. Culture. Vampires. Mad scientists. Revolution. Everything you'd want in a good Cuban film. Basically, you've got your vampire doctor trying to find a formula that enables vampires to go out in the sun, and he's been using it on his nephew for years just to make sure it was safe. Any good uncle would do the same. A bunch of gangster vampires find out, and decide to steal the formula so they can market it. What else could you ask for?

Individually, these movies are all amazing, but together, they make for a pretty epic marathon. If you can get your hands on them, try to watch all of these movies in one night. But don't forget the pizza and the garlic bread.