Horror Flick of the Week: Vampire Party/Le Dents de la Nuit (2008)

I'm not going to lie. This movie is incredibly silly. It's also quite fun. What could be better than a hodge podge of strangers going to an exclusive late night party on an island out in the middle of nowhere? What if I told you Tchéky Karyo plays an evil vampiric count with the most glorious hair you'll ever see? Still not impressed? How about a magical spell-book that not only binds souls to Hell, but can also conveniently disguise you like a mariachi player or something else equally as ridiculous and fantastical?

Listen, it's just a fun movie. It's great for the Halloween season, and it's dark with enough of a light-hearted twist to leave you with only very mild nightmares at best.

Drive-in Trailers: Anthology Horror

Sometimes you want something besides a full-on horror film. You want a taste of several things. A creepy cornucopia. A vicious variety. A -something something alliteration scary-. That's where anthology horror takes the cake. I've always loved short stories, on the page and on the screen. Hopefully the following trailers (obscure and mainstream) can give you something new to watch this Halloween.

The first trailer isn't a real one, from what I can tell, but anyone who hasn't seen 'Dead of Night' is really doing themselves a disservice. It's one of the best. Also, note that I adore all of the Amicus films, but it'd be a bit boring if I just focused on them alone. Also, reserving any Price-related trailers for a strictly Vincent Price-centric post.

Ozploitation Horror Posters

Somehow stumbling around horror this year, Ozploitation (Australian exploitation) seems to be the 2017 flavor. I mean, why wouldn't it? Just look at these posters!

Horror Flick of the Week: Near Dark (1987)

If I said Bill Paxton's passing this year didn't affect me, I'd be lying. He was always one of my favorite character actors. In honor of Bill, and because this really is one of the best vampire films out there, Near Dark is getting a special mention this week. As tempted as I am to gush about the bar scene, post it, and dissect how awesome it is, you'll have to experience it for yourself. Also, yes, this isn't the American release poster, but it's too awesome not to feature.

It's not just Bill who gives an awesome performance in this. Everyone does. Lance Henriksen, of course, plays an excellent villain. Don't let the re-release of the film fool you if you haven't seen it before, there is nothing even remotely 'Twilight-esque' about Near Dark. It's gritty, dark, and pretty much as close to a modern western as you can get.

More Superstitions, Bad Omens, and Old Wives Tales for Halloween

Halfway through the spook month already, and my how time flies. Let's get a bit more into the spirit with some superstitious safety tips to keep you safe from ghosts, umbrellas, witches, vampires, and moths.

C'mon, bra! Let me in...

- Close a dead man or woman's eyes immediately, or they'll find someone to take with them.

- Keep moths out of the house if it looks like they want in, and keep them in if they want out...they're looking for a soul to steal.

- Never take a photo with only 3 people, and if you do...make sure you're not the one in the middle, because you may di-...uh-oh...

- Poirot probably would have known this little tidbit, but keep an eye on all umbrellas in the house. If one of them falls, there very well may be a murder!

Don't let those innocent smiles fool you. Nose eaters, every last one of them!

- Ancient Romans believed witches and vampires liked to come into dead people's homes to do funny things with their bodies (like robbing, mutilating, and especially nose-eating.)

- A rooster crowing during the day, and not the appointed 'too early for any normal human being to wake up' time, is a sign of terrible luck. Maybe even approaching death.

- Numbers really piss ghosts off. Walk around one of them 9 times to get rid of the jerks.

Horror Flick of the Week - Slaughter of the Vampires / Curse of the Blood Ghouls (1962)

Don't let the trailer fool you. Lurking out there somewhere in cyberspace (or possibly on a good quality dvd) is an excellent copy of this movie, as crisp as something you'd expect from a prized Bava picture, not from something by Roberto Mauri (who also directed such films as 'Zorikan the Barbarian' and 'The Porno Killers'). Now, it isn't nearly the same class as Bava's best, but certainly enjoyable enough to at least spend the night watching with a couple of friends. It's just a simple, classic kind of vampire story. Evil count. Terrified villagers. Handsome young man struggling to maintain his humanity while he battles evil...



The dubbing is...well, it's an Italian movie. So the dubbing is fairly obvious. But keep in mind, that's pretty much how it works out with most Italian cinema, and there are plenty out there worth checking out if you can get over that hurdle many people seem to struggle with. It's well worth the effort.

Bleed, the Webseries

So here's a funny little web series I watched a few years ago and figured was worth sharing with you guys today. As some of you may know, I'm from Texas. This was filmed in Austin. That's not really important, but I thought it was cool.

The story follows one really bad new vampire and his friend, pretty reluctant to become one himself...but surprisingly good at it, comparably. It's a silly little show with some decent acting, mostly bad...and it's all fun. A good way to spend an afternoon, I think.

Unfortunately, it doesn't look like there's any humanly possible way to link the 2nd episode as a video here on Wordpress, so here's the link to their channel for you to view everything by Bleedonlineseries if the first episode has caught your fancy.

Book(s) of the Week: "The Blood Moon Trilogy"

The Blood Moon Trilogy

By Dawn Thompson

I suppose it’s technically cheating to put three books up for this week’s suggested reading, but I really do believe you have to read all three of these books to appreciate this absolutely brilliant story.

Perhaps it was the Dracula suggestion that reminded me of these. Often I struggle to find novels (modern ones) that are horror-related without a smattering of foul language and excessive sexy time. What I mean to say is that these books aren’t the average fare of your ‘dark romance’ or ‘best-selling horror’ shelves at Hastings or Walmart. The character development is there and most importantly, the atmosphere/tone/setting are all incredibly chilling.

Now I won’t lie and say there aren’t some sexy time bits, but they don’t dominate the story. The main character, Jon Hyde-White, is more focused on the fact that he’s about to be damned along with the woman he loves than he is on her creamy skin and pouty lips. A monster, a really nice old-fashioned Strigoi, has attacked both of them; it’s a race against the clock to pursue the monster back to Moldavia and cure themselves before it’s too late. There’s also an awesome gypsy vampire hunter who knows what they’re dealing with. One of my favorite aspects is that these books don’t abandon the classic elements of exactly what harms a vampire (holy water, crosses, sunlight.)

The second book follows the story after a sort of cure has been found for the couple, though it’s certainly not what you would expect. Their son now has to face the same monster, with a much different sort of challenge on his plate. He’s also in love, but again…there’s more to it than just the romance, it’s an epic adventure.

The third book explores the final portion of the story, with the gypsy vampire hunter the reader met (and probably fell in love with) from the first book. He’s actually a pretty consistent character throughout the trilogy, following the heroic cycle quite nicely as the mentor and advisor. So the fact that he gets his own battle and journey is incredibly satisfying.

I love Miss Thompson’s books, and her imagery is some of the most beautiful and haunting that I’ve read in a long time. Unfortunately she passed away in 2008, so there will never be another book set in this darker world she explored. What I can say is that she’s one of those ‘romance authors’ who really shows you that it’s not a sub-genre one should completely dismiss without exploring first. Her books are well worth the read.

Horror Flick of the Week - Sundown: Vampire in Retreat

Sundown: Vampire in Retreat. With a title like that you'd expect an epic tour de force of vampire action. Well, this isn't Dusk Till Dawn, so don't hold your breath. But with David Carradine, and Bruce Campbell, any intelligent person knows what they're walking into. Delicious camp. It's also directed by someone a little familiar, if you've seen Waxwork I and II. I had no idea he was actually one of the bit parts in those movies either, until I saw his picture this afternoon...but back to Sundown.

It's a fun popcorn movie, the kind you can pretty much talk through and not miss much. Plus, come on...David Carradine is Dracula (...I mean Mardulak) and Bruce Campbell is Van Helsing!

Just for some reference, here's one of the covers. It's got that great art style you only get with 80s and 90s VHS tapes. As you can clearly see, this is a western-style story. Not really in the wild west, because it's the modern era, but...I don't know. The bad guys dress up like cowboys in the end, so there's that.

It starts with a little girl having nightmares about vampires. Her father gets a job at a research facility in a new town, and it's soon evident to the viewers that the town is full of vampires. Actually, that was pretty clear in the beginning when one of them literally knocked a guy's block off. Unfortunately for the family, a person from their past is one of the members of the vampire community. He's not a nice guy.

It's hard to tell much more without giving everything away, because that's pretty much it. The story is a cut-and-dry horror comedy, good for a Friday night with friends. Best of all, it doesn't suck.

Drive-in Trailers: Fanged Fiends

Fanged Fiends, because 'Vampires' was too overdone. What's great about these creatures, is that no two versions are alike. Some of them are bad-ass, some of them aren't, some of them have fangs, some of them blur the lines between actually being monsters or just psychologically disturbed. The list goes on. It's hard to define what a vampire is because they are the root of all monsters. One that was human who thrives on what still is...

Ending it on the lucky number '13', and saving the Hammer films...for another day.

Horror Flick of the Week: Angel of the Night (1998)

I'd like to start this off with a very special 'thank you' to gohastings.com, for always having the most random movies at ridiculously cheap prices. This is not an advertisement, I'm not telling you to buy anything there, because it really is all random. They have a bunch of previously-viewed dvd's come in and out of sale, and they cost anywhere from less than a buck to about ten, which isn't a bad deal if you know what you're buying, and it still pretty awesome even if you don't know. Compiling a list of cheapies, I did not know, nor did I do any research on this movie, because I'm a thrill-seeker. Anyway, onto the review.

This started off as a student picture, apparently, but the short film did so well that the director was able to expand it into a feature-length film. It cost about $700,000 in all. Cast and crew could not all be paid upfront, but the picture managed to pull through. It's kind of an inspiration, in a way, thinking of all the younger people involved making this into an actual movie, when a majority of them seemed to have major schedule conflicts, and an awful lot of this was filmed after midnight. Maybe a few other independent filmmakers need to take a page from this book, and use vampires more often?

Rebecca is a young woman who's gone back to her family home, after having inherited it. She brings along with her an ancient tome with really big writing on the front, and a 3d-picture. That's how you can tell it's ancient and fancy, by the way.

She's brought along some friends with her, and decides to tell them the story in her book of a young priest named Richard who was forced to do battle with a 'vampire' to protect his family and town. Unfortunately, he kills the thing, but gets nipped in the process. I use the word 'vampire' loosely, because the monster actually resembles more of a werewolf-monkey, but I digress. Here are some pretty pictures to illustrate the story.

He is then transformed into 'RICO MORTIZ, CREATURE OF THE NIGHT!' I think that's how vampires work, right? You grow long hair and change ethnicity? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's the thing. 

Back to the present, Rebecca reveals that Richard was actually her great grandfather, thus effectively killing everyone's buzz. She proceeds to mention there are family secrets in the cellar, and everyone decides to do the smart thing. They go check out the cellar. There they find the world's fanciest lawn ornament, the very stake Richard used to slay the vampire.

Rebecca tells yet another story, and I'll admit I was starting to get scared this would be one long narrative summary. But then there's a throwdown with guns, stakes, crosses, and fangs...which I'm always a sucker for. That brings me to one major point, the fangs are just fantastic in this movie. So often, I find I can't get into a vampire movie unless the teeth look real and sharp. As you can see in Rico's shot above, they're beautiful.

In less than twenty minutes, this second story is rattled off, yet somehow makes me fall in love with a character who dies in an even shorter time. Also, hippie Billy Idol vampire. Hippie and Billy Idol...two terms I never thought I'd use in the same sentence. Well-played, mister director. Well-played.

Anyway, though I'd like to repeat I HATE when movies are filled with narrative bits (you know, like someone was written in to explain chunks of the movie, because they either ran out of money, or couldn't write a script with a coherent line of events), buuuuut...this one kind of wins me over. Probably because the fights really are awesome. This is even stranger, because I also don't usually like fight scenes either.

Rebecca does manage to finish talking, finally, and then (wouldn't you know it) it turns out Rico's coffin is in that very cellar. A freak accident occurs, and Rebecca gets a small cut...the blood drips into the coffin, boom. Instant return of Rico. Kind of. Eventually. It's a little bit more complicated, with some accidental incantations, and lots of chit-chat. Another story, too. In the process of the story, Rico is vampire Richard, I guess? I suspect it's because Richard is hella more attractive. Even with fangs.

...Kind of.

You get the drift, though.

There's nothing really original here. Absolutely nothing. You can probably guess how it's going to go, once the bad guy returns, and all hell breaks loose. Even so, it's a fun ride. The pacing is pretty good, and there are certainly less draggy moments than you'd expect from a small picture. Long story short, it's fun, and it knows it's fun. Maybe I wouldn't pay for a Criterion edition (should there ever somehow be one), but I'd definitely recommend at least watching this once, if you feel like you've already seen every other vampire movie on the planet, or need to wash the bad taste of Twilight out of your mouth. Then again, you should have known better, and only have yourself to blame for that one.

Campy Nightmares: 5 Horror Flicks To Hurt Your Brain

Sometimes, I find myself watching a movie and well aware before I even pop it into the vcr/dvd player/open it on vlc/etc. that I am about to watch something which may very well consume my immortal soul. I could actually make a top '100' list of all these many narrow escapes from ultimate self-destruction, but I decided to let my brain recover from a recent one, and just stop at five for now. So without further ado, leading from mildly 'well, there goes my comprehension of logic and reality' to 'I'm officially insane', I give you 5 HORROR FLICKS TO HURT YOUR BRAIN

5. Teenage Caveman (2002)

This is one of those movies you may stumble upon late at night, if you happen to be lucky (or unlucky) enough to have access to HBO, insomnia, and a desire to enjoy some good old-fashioned 'teen' porn without the legal consequences that may come with it.

4. Terror Vision (1986)

Despite the fact that this is...a bad movie...it's not bad. Let me rephrase that. This one defines camp, (deliberately exaggerated and theatrical in style, typically for humorous effect). So why is it even listed here? Well, it's vaguely like a movie for adults, then somewhat like a movie for kids as well, but it never really defines the actual side of the fence it wants to be on...unless you count the weird bedroom scene with all of the creature heads, but nothing is outright said about sexing there, so I think it's safe to assume it could be one of the adult jokes they always slip into a children's movie just so parents don't shoot themselves from boredom. Even with the fact that it looks like an 80s romp for the kiddies, the monster is just too scary. By an 8-year-old's standards, anyway. Maybe I'm just biased, from a distant memory of running out of the room crying because I couldn't handle the man-eating slime monster, and huddling under my bed until I knew the movie was over. Still, I think this has a well-deserved spot on my list, though it may be a bit more entertaining than the rest. Here's a trailer to give you a general idea of what the heck I mean.

3. Jack Frost (1996)

I know this may sound crazy, but given the choice between this...Christmas classic...and Child's Play, I'd pick the other one for a nursery school movie any time. Quality does come into play, based on budget, but so does actual content. There's so much damn cussing from this foul-mouthed snowman, and a bag of puns  than Freddy Kreuger on a bender. I'm not knocking the blade-man, so don't get too mad at me. I suppose the ultimate brain scorcher for me, though, would have to be the fact that it took everyone over an hour to figure out antifreeze might be a viable option for battling a block of talking ice...be warned, this movie does not feature a love-able Micheal Keaton. Not by mile-long icicle.

2. Teenage Space Vampires (1999)

I refuse to turn this into a list attacking the low budget field of cinema, nor even the poor-writing field, the bad directing field, crappy SFX field, and the terrible acting field. HOWEVER, this one kind of falls into every single one of those areas. There's only one memorable moment, the rest left me thinking to myself 'how can they be vampires, if they look like aliens? I think this movie is putting too much emphasis on the space part.' It honestly felt like one of those concepts translated to a language, and then back to the original, then maybe to a third for good measure, until nobody really knew what the monster was...so they just kinda went with it. Anyway, here's a pretty good example of one of the better moments in the movie. That's saying something, since it's not really much of a moment.

1. Ghost Fever (1987)

I feel sorry for this final one. Sherman Hemsley practically funneled a majority of his money into it, and you can really kind of almost somewhat not really see the potential here. Two ghosts try to keep the slave-owner father of one of them from leaving his grave, then the descendant of the other comes to the house they used to live in to throw two old women out, the two old women turn out to be beautiful and young, they've got a psychic...there's a dancing mummy ghost getting served by George Jefferson...Dracula...Rape machine, zombie surgery, boxing match, death, champagne and thunderstorm...I don't really know where I was going this. It feels more like a combination of as many terms as possible on a youtube video description, just to boost page views. Maybe that's what they were going for in the movie, too? I wish I could say this was another weird movie that charmed me to death in it's own poor existence, but Hemsley went bankrupt as a result of this ham. The director was so ashamed, he even took the 'Allen Smithee' name for it...which is a title usually only employed when nobody wants to acknowledge a picture as their own. I honestly hope some day this movie gets the attention 'The Room' and 'Troll 2' got, and audiences from miles around flock to worship it for the train wreck it turned out to be. It's on youtube in it's entirety, by the way, though Netflix completely dumped it. I wonder why?

Horror Flick of the Week: Monster Club (1980)

So, it's a horror anthology movie of various scary stories set to the backdrop of monsters in a club telling them. A very 80s sort of movie, with new wave music in-between tales. Currently it's available on YouTube in it's entirety, if you'd like to check it out.

The music is incredibly fun, but the movie doesn't really seem to know what it wants to be. Yet it works. It's one of the funnest movies you could watch, and I think it owes to the man that inspired the stories, R. Chetwynd-Hayes. A majority of his books are out-of-print, but they're worth checking in to. The man creates a world of his own, very dry wit amid a strange population of monsters. He even makes a kind of family tree for them (like what might happen when a werewolf and vampire have a child, or a ghoul and a vampire, or a ghoul and a shagmock...) which is reflected in this movie really well.

What really stands out for me, though, is that it looks like everyone involved with this picture had a great time. The transition from story to story is done pretty well, and the meat of each tale has a hint of originality, if not cute humor to it. This is an early evening Halloween movie to watch when the kids start to come around asking for candy, and a great opener for a horror-themed party.

If none of that was confusing, just watch this awesome number.

You can just feel the new wave leaking out of the screen...and maybe a little bit of blood, but that's normal.

The Chamber of the Obscure: Vampire Movies

There are so very many vampire movies out there, and so very many good ones that people don't seem to be too familiar with. My favorite ones tend to be the flicks time has forgotten or nobody ever seems to watch. I figured these little treats were worth mentioning to those of us who just haven't found the fanged flick with the right bite to it yet. 

1. Love Bites (1993)

For a man who can't stand cleaning, his lacy sleeves sure are white.

Years ago, I got really tired of hunting for copies of this one. So when I finally stumbled on a copy on Ebay, I paid a ridiculously high price for it. Luckily for the lot of you, and not my checkbook, only a few years later it became available on all sorts of sites, including iTunes. It's not scary by a long shot. It's not a big budget picture. The acting isn't even that great. The Adam Ant fan girl in me rebels against the idea, but it's true. HOWEVER, god this is a cute one. A vampire wakes up after about a hundred years of sleeping due to a bad break-up, meets the girl living in his house, and decides he doesn't want to be a vampire anymore. Why? I guess because now that cars can talk, and divorced women are everywhere, he's decided he's found the perfect era to grow old and die in. This screams early 90s, and it used to play on the Scifi channel every Halloween. Sadly, that particular station has turned to crap...but at least the Apple store can help you enjoy it on your phone.

2. Vampires Anonymous (2003)

Just a nip...one tiny bite...

This came on  HBO a few times awhile back, and I never managed to catch the whole thing until I bought the dvd. Now I'll admit, the monsters going to self-help meetings has been a bit over-played as of late. Especially zombies. Thankfully, they manage to make this less about people confessing their morbid habits in a circle, and more about the actual steps to recovery. Vic the vampire attempts to tackle a 12 Step Program in a ten-sheep town, falls in love with a girl, and ska music pursues him throughout his whole journey. Oh, cops too, but they're really just a side story.

3. A Polish Vampire in Burbank (1985)

After this was filmed, both actors above went on to become two of the world's greatest underwear models.

Man, the back-story behind this movie is almost more entertaining than the story itself. It's a movie that started with one actor as the lead, had some union issues, and then had to be completely re-written, with the original lead completely recast and re-written. Apprently it was the first 'Super 8 film to be distributed in video stores and on cable television'. The budget was around 2500. The main character is a vampire with small fangs who has to start bringing home his own blood, or he's out. I won't preach that this is a cinematic masterpiece, but it's incredibly fun to watch. Plus...talking skeletons. If you buy a copy though, please try to get it at www.pirromount.com. 

4. Nightlife (1989)

Time to clean house. Violently/Spiritually!

Another movie of the exact same name came out this year, but it's about zombies. This one is about vampires. If you find a copy, make sure it's got Ben Cross and Keith Szarabajka, or you've got the wrong one. The difference between this flick and the others on the list, is that the main character is female. Not only is she female, but she's pretty good at taking care of herself. Granted, not nearly as good as her ass-kicking Mexican housemaid, who, I'd like to point out, is the greatest vampire hunter I've seen in cinematic history. The acting from the cast is a little better in this one than the other movies on the list, but it was made for tv. If you saw Ben Cross as Barnabas, and wanted more of him in his fanged glory, definitely look for this movie to add to your collection.

5. Vampires in Havana (1985)

Fangs? Check. Claws? Check. Blue tongue? ...What?

Thank god for Netflix. If not, I might have put this one off much longer than it deserves. Just about the easiest movie to find on this list, it's in the rare category of 'awesome adult cartoon'. Awesome because it's not just about boobs, which it actually still has a lot of, but it's also about music. History. Culture. Vampires. Mad scientists. Revolution. Everything you'd want in a good Cuban film. Basically, you've got your vampire doctor trying to find a formula that enables vampires to go out in the sun, and he's been using it on his nephew for years just to make sure it was safe. Any good uncle would do the same. A bunch of gangster vampires find out, and decide to steal the formula so they can market it. What else could you ask for?

Individually, these movies are all amazing, but together, they make for a pretty epic marathon. If you can get your hands on them, try to watch all of these movies in one night. But don't forget the pizza and the garlic bread.

The Monster Cereals

One of the best parts of the haunting season is of course the food. Candy in needlessly large bags for sale at every grocery store, little magazines with 'spooky ideas' for 'creepy dinner parties', the chance to grab a pumpkin without seeking out your weekly farmers market, and finally...the General Mills monsters.

Let's be honest, a vampire could never survive on chocolate. But chocolate cereal with milk that turns into chocolate milk when they're combined? AND marshmallow bits? Apparently General Mills says this was the first chocolate cereal with chocolate marshmallows. Nothing really stands out about the flavor to me, but the box is always pretty cool.

Much like the spirit of the Snozzberry, Franken-Berry tastes like Franken-Berry...if you really think about it. Franken is usually tacked onto anything brought back from the dead or re-animated. The flavoring is artificial...so it's re-animated, isn't it? Wow. Now that I think about it, this is the most honest food on the market. As a kid, I was never a huge fan of Franken-Berry, but you can't really have an October without at least one bowl of this guy's Franken-Fruit.

I think out of all three, though, Boo-Berry is my absolute favorite. It's not even the ghost that gets me, though he does seem to be the smartest of the three. It's the genuine taste of this one. Blueberry just isn't a flavor you find in a lot of cereals. Most manufacturers punch the 'strawberry', 'cinnamon', and 'chocolate' flavors an awful lot more. So thank you, Mister Boo Berry, for standing out among them all-

Oh, hi Fruit Brute. Fruity Yummy Mummy. Yeah, nobody liked you. Sorry about that. Maybe because people don't generally equate the word 'brute' with werewolf, or they don't like the idea of fur in their cereal. I don't suppose the fact that the Mummy's name was too long had anything to do with it...Maybe it was the taste? I suspect it's a combination, and the fact that they're labelled with the simple flavor of 'fruit', a concept more terrifying than the monsters themselves. Who knows. These two disappeared long before I was around to judge them.

At any rate, for those of you who just really liked the commercials, here's a pretty epic video I found I thought you may enjoy...