Drive-in Trailers: HO HO HO-...rror

As Christmas approaches, a strange chill seems to settle over the world. The carnage of Black Friday has passed, but an even greater danger waits. From his frozen lair, the beast awakens. Clawed and grinning, Kris Kringle must once more feed on the children of-…wait, that doesn’t happen? You mean he’s a completely genial symbol of a joyful holiday bringing families together to celebrate the birth of the Christian messiah, winter, and togetherness? Damn. Well, now I suppose this list of Christmas trailers is totally inappropriate…but I’ll list them anyway.

Netflix in October: Must-Watch Instants

So, sometimes I think chugging through the list of films on Netflix can be a bit tiring. There's a huge selection of good movies, but there's an even bigger one of absolutely terrible films that should be sealed in a cement block filed at a hidden warehouse below the ocean.

For those of you, anxious to get into the Halloween spirit, here's a list of movies starting today on the 5th to last you until the 31st of October, one for each day. Rest assured, I don't suggest them unless I think they're worth watching. You can mix up the order all you like, this is just how I personally think I'm going to do it this year.

Oct. 5: Tucker & Dale vs. Evil
Oct. 6: Session 9
Oct. 7: Vampires in Havana
Oct. 8: Mimic
Oct. 9: Re-Animator
Oct. 10: Killer Klowns From Outer Space
Oct. 11: The Stuff
Oct. 12: Bloody Birthday
Oct. 13: The Faculty
Oct. 14: Snow White: A Tale of Terror
Oct. 15: The Frighteners
Oct. 16: The Evil Dead
Oct. 17: Evil Dead II
Oct. 18: Black Sunday 
Oct. 19: Hellraiser
Oct. 20: Hellraiser II
Oct. 21: Hellraiser IV: Bloodline (...don't bother with the others)
Oct. 22: House on Haunted Hill (1959)
Oct. 23: Rosemary's Baby
Oct. 24: Tales From the Crypt: Demon Knight
Oct. 25: Steven King's Children of the Corn
Oct.: 26: Scream
Oct. 27: Scream II
Oct. 28: Carrie (...the original...)
Oct. 29: I Sell The Dead
Oct. 30: Pumpkinhead
Oct. 31: Nosferatu

Don't Rock the Cradle: 5 Really Creepy Kids.

So, upon watching Bloody Birthday this week, I realized something…kids genuinely scare people. Not me, personally, but other people. Right up next to ‘clowns’ on the list of freaky shit, ‘children’ is poorly-scrawled in crayon…or dried blood. I can’t really tell which. At any rate, this list is by no means a definitive one. There are far too many creepy kids out there in the movie world to name, but these are the ones who currently stand out to me.

1.        The Kid with the Gun Fetish in Sixth Sense

So it’s about the shortest appearance on this list, but when that kid walks up and whispers about his dad’s gun…then turns around…BAM! Bloody head! Gets me every time…

2.       The Twins from The Shining

I suppose it’s obvious these girls would make the cut. What gets me is that these are children, trapped here in this hotel, which could very well be hell or some demonic offshoot of earth…what did they do to end up there? Are they even children, or manifestations of something far worse? I didn’t come here today to cross-examine Kubrick or King, so I won’t even get into that powder keg. Let’s just all agree these kids are odd and get on with our lives.

3.       Gage from Pet Sematary

This one his actually pretty heart-breaking. Gage was a normal, adorable toddler in the beginning before his accident. His father pig-headedly brought him back into the world, when he should have known better, and what comes back isn’t the same kid at all. He’s a horrible little demon imp that just happens to look like a child. He’s terrifying, and it’s just about the best damn acting I’ve ever seen from a kid this age.

4.       The Zombie Baby from Dead Alive

Okay, maybe he’s not really a child. He’s a baby. He’s an evil, ugly, far too intelligent zombie baby. He demonstrates child-like joy at the simple things in life, like playtime, and ripping women’s heads in half…this baby is the only reason I can take a dead baby joke, because I always picture him.

5.       The Kids from Bloody Birthday

These kids are really the creepiest for me right now, probably because the film is still fresh in my mind, but also because of one main factor: they’re sociopaths. They are not demons, nor were they brought back from the dead in some misguided ritual, nor are they ghosts seeking the company of other children. They’re just…evil. They kill with no reason other than the sheer fun of it, and what’s more…they don’t care who they kill. Relatives. Friends. Teachers. Random people having sex in cars…they don’t even do it with creepy smiles or cryptic phrases. They act like normal kids maybe sneaking around so their parents don’t catch them watching an r-rated movie, or stealing from the candy shop. They’re the definition of what evil people are, in very small packages.

The Chamber of the Obscure: Vampire Movies

There are so very many vampire movies out there, and so very many good ones that people don't seem to be too familiar with. My favorite ones tend to be the flicks time has forgotten or nobody ever seems to watch. I figured these little treats were worth mentioning to those of us who just haven't found the fanged flick with the right bite to it yet. 

1. Love Bites (1993)

For a man who can't stand cleaning, his lacy sleeves sure are white.

Years ago, I got really tired of hunting for copies of this one. So when I finally stumbled on a copy on Ebay, I paid a ridiculously high price for it. Luckily for the lot of you, and not my checkbook, only a few years later it became available on all sorts of sites, including iTunes. It's not scary by a long shot. It's not a big budget picture. The acting isn't even that great. The Adam Ant fan girl in me rebels against the idea, but it's true. HOWEVER, god this is a cute one. A vampire wakes up after about a hundred years of sleeping due to a bad break-up, meets the girl living in his house, and decides he doesn't want to be a vampire anymore. Why? I guess because now that cars can talk, and divorced women are everywhere, he's decided he's found the perfect era to grow old and die in. This screams early 90s, and it used to play on the Scifi channel every Halloween. Sadly, that particular station has turned to crap...but at least the Apple store can help you enjoy it on your phone.

2. Vampires Anonymous (2003)

Just a nip...one tiny bite...

This came on  HBO a few times awhile back, and I never managed to catch the whole thing until I bought the dvd. Now I'll admit, the monsters going to self-help meetings has been a bit over-played as of late. Especially zombies. Thankfully, they manage to make this less about people confessing their morbid habits in a circle, and more about the actual steps to recovery. Vic the vampire attempts to tackle a 12 Step Program in a ten-sheep town, falls in love with a girl, and ska music pursues him throughout his whole journey. Oh, cops too, but they're really just a side story.

3. A Polish Vampire in Burbank (1985)

After this was filmed, both actors above went on to become two of the world's greatest underwear models.

Man, the back-story behind this movie is almost more entertaining than the story itself. It's a movie that started with one actor as the lead, had some union issues, and then had to be completely re-written, with the original lead completely recast and re-written. Apprently it was the first 'Super 8 film to be distributed in video stores and on cable television'. The budget was around 2500. The main character is a vampire with small fangs who has to start bringing home his own blood, or he's out. I won't preach that this is a cinematic masterpiece, but it's incredibly fun to watch. Plus...talking skeletons. If you buy a copy though, please try to get it at www.pirromount.com. 

4. Nightlife (1989)

Time to clean house. Violently/Spiritually!

Another movie of the exact same name came out this year, but it's about zombies. This one is about vampires. If you find a copy, make sure it's got Ben Cross and Keith Szarabajka, or you've got the wrong one. The difference between this flick and the others on the list, is that the main character is female. Not only is she female, but she's pretty good at taking care of herself. Granted, not nearly as good as her ass-kicking Mexican housemaid, who, I'd like to point out, is the greatest vampire hunter I've seen in cinematic history. The acting from the cast is a little better in this one than the other movies on the list, but it was made for tv. If you saw Ben Cross as Barnabas, and wanted more of him in his fanged glory, definitely look for this movie to add to your collection.

5. Vampires in Havana (1985)

Fangs? Check. Claws? Check. Blue tongue? ...What?

Thank god for Netflix. If not, I might have put this one off much longer than it deserves. Just about the easiest movie to find on this list, it's in the rare category of 'awesome adult cartoon'. Awesome because it's not just about boobs, which it actually still has a lot of, but it's also about music. History. Culture. Vampires. Mad scientists. Revolution. Everything you'd want in a good Cuban film. Basically, you've got your vampire doctor trying to find a formula that enables vampires to go out in the sun, and he's been using it on his nephew for years just to make sure it was safe. Any good uncle would do the same. A bunch of gangster vampires find out, and decide to steal the formula so they can market it. What else could you ask for?

Individually, these movies are all amazing, but together, they make for a pretty epic marathon. If you can get your hands on them, try to watch all of these movies in one night. But don't forget the pizza and the garlic bread.