Ghost-Proof Your House

As Halloween draws near, I know I can't be the only person concerned about unwanted spirits trying to snatch candy from my doorstep pretending to be children. Or worse, trying to snatch my soul while I'm sleeping, possibly even curse my family for generations. So it's probably a good idea for us to explore our options to ensure a spook-free spooky day. That won't be too hard, thanks to these tips from around the world. Now you can practice prevention, and save yourself countless legal and/or religious fees when you have to get your dog exorcised.

Unlucky Math

Now, I'm sure you all know the number one fear of ghosts and spirits all around the planet. Yes, that's right. NUMBERS. They can't stand certain numbers. It probably has something to do with traumatic afterlife math exams, and seeing the wrong numbers can either send them flying into a destructive rage, leaving your house dripping with ectoplasm...or drive them away. Now, in places like Japan, it's a safe bet to avoid the number '4'. So skip out on the addresses with '4' in them, the floors with 4 on them, the hospital wings with '4' around them...in fact, just to be certain, you'd better start jumping from 3 to 5 when you count. Now that I think about it, do the same thing with '13' as well. And any math equation with '13' and '4' involved in the same formula...well, that's just downright begging for trouble.

Sage

Thanks to modern technology, and the magic of spray bottles, we can condense just about anything into a spritz-friendly form. No longer will you have to cleanse your home and set off the smoke detector at the same time. As we all know, spirits hate cooking. More than cooking, they hate sage...it leaves an awful taste in the mouths of the damned and the wondering souls tormented already by modern interior decorating choices. With the aid of burnt sage, or a useful spray as the one above, you can simply waft those pesky spooks out the door. You probably shouldn't spray this on your food, though...

Mirrors

Use your mirrors responsibly. If someone is ill or preparing to shuffle off their mortal coil, keep mirrors out of the room at all costs. As we all know, people are highly susceptible to having their souls sucked out of them in weakened states, due to the powerful nature of science and maths, refraction and light...something like that...basically mirrors bad. Also, avoid looking in them at night or by candle-light, or you're just inviting trouble. If your loved one refuses to part with their vanity table during their final hours, try and at least point the mirror in the other direction, because not only are they risking being trapped in that mirror...but also becoming a vampire. Apparently. It's also a good idea to avoid sleeping in front of a mirror, and just keep that baby moving around the house. You never know when evil spirits might be sneaking around, and they just love looking at themselves.

Feng Shui

As I'm sure you can infer from the above highly-detailed chart, Feng Shui is essential in ensuring that your life does not fall to pieces in a horrible raging fire thanks to your poor decisions and choices when it comes to picking both your furniture and the exact location of said furniture. What most people neglect to mention is the most important fact of all about Feng Shui: it guards your house from unwanted ghost guests. That's right, spirits can't stand a well-put-together interior decorating plan. They hate brightness, holy objects, clean homes, and bathrooms without windows. They do like houses packed with yin, however. So keep in mind that sometimes a feminine (yin) touch may not be so great when you're looking to keep spirits away. If you want to make sure to keep the yin low, stay away from cemeteries and churches, make sure you've got a lotta wang energy coming in through your front door, and do NOT forget this...under no circumstances should you plant willows or banana trees in your yard. Witches love bananas.